Anatomy of Recovery

I'm Jules, a 23 year old recent college graduate, currently working and applying for grad school. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa when I was 14. I'm 100% committed to recovery because I know how amazing it can be. This blog is about my journey and any help and inspiration I can offer others on their own journeys.
I tag all my personal pics "julespic" so that you can block the tag if you find them triggering. I also tag all photos of food with the "food" tag in case they are triggering to you.

Ask Me Anything

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Theme by @yosoyprincesa.
"obviously do whatever you need to in order to feel healthy but I really appreciate your blog! I feel like some blogs post neg anon messages counterproductively but I've never felt you do. I've had eating issues essentially all my life from various reasons, and this summer I took a different approach to seeing recovery differently and you've helped a lot! Your responses are never condescending which I think is great and I think your blog is well run. Thank you and i hope you are doing well!!" With love, Anonymous.

I’m so honored to hear that I helped you in any way!  Thank you very much for the message and for reading my blog.  This was such a thoughtful thing to say, so I really appreciate it.  Wishing you all the best <3

"dont you ever leave you are biggest role model and if you're gone tumblr isnt worth it for me anymore :(" With love, Anonymous.

Aww babe, I’m not leaving now and if I did, I’d certainly share contact info so we could stay in touch.  I really appreciate the message and I’m sending all my love <3

"You handle anon asks and comments with such grace, Jules even though you don't owe anyone explanations for anything on your blog, especially yourself. You help so many people with your unique, authentic view on recovery and life. Thank you for being here for all of us. I hope you are able to see how you help others through your responses and also personal posts. I've been following you for 2 years. Keep rockin on." With love, Anonymous.

Thank you for being there for me too.  I really, really appreciate it.  Two years is such a long time!  That’s so cool :)  If I’ve been able to help anyone, that’s the cherry on top of this experience.  Thank you for the affirmations and for being there for me for so long.  Sending much love <3

"We can unfollow if it's just too difficult for us in our current states. All that said, love and hugs--you are such a beautiful person. I hope you stay bright and move ever upwards." With love, Anonymous.

Love and hugs to you too.  Thank you <3

And I absolutely encourage everyone to follow their own paths in terms of managing what content they see.

This is so thoughtful and positive!

"Hey, I just wanted to say that I've been following you for a while and I think you are a truly amazing person. You have inspired me to keep going in my recovery multiple times and you are always so thoughtful in your answers. To think that you have such a wonderful presence and are still whittled down to your collarbone makes me so sad. All of your body, all of my body, all of anyone's body is good and whole and worthy of love. I guess I just want you to know that you are supported." With love, Anonymous.

I was crying from the negative message earlier and now I’m at it again because I’m getting such an outpouring of sensitive and thoughtful support.  Thank you.  Your support is important to me and your message really resonated with me.  Thank you for following and thank you for this message. <3

"The patience, sympathy, and kindness with which you have been answering asks (especially lately) really impresses me and I want you to know that all you say should also be turned right back to you--this blog is for your benefit, in the end, and if that means showing a picture of yourself that makes you feel confident&elegant, then that is awesome. Triggers really are everywhere and especially as somebody recovering/in remission like yourself, you are under no obligation to remove things that (1)" With love, Anonymous.

are positive for you. I totally understand the reasoning behind the picture and i agree-the colouring is lovely and I like being able to connect with you as a person without having to invade your privacy. I know that recovery/relapse is difficult and I feel for these people that are struggling (I’m one of them! I know how it feels to long for collarbones etc.) but you need to be proud of your healthy body, whatever that may look like. Keep being strong and do whatever is best for you. (2)

You are a wonderful person and thank you for sending me this message.  It was incredibly thoughtful and honest.  It is so amazing to me that people send me messages like this.  It’s really such a blessing.  I’m wishing you all the best in the struggle that is recovery/relapse and I think that your insights into your own feelings as well as your compassion are fantastic signs that you’re doing important work to get better.  Wishing you all the best <3

"(1/3) I'm sorry that you're considering deleting this blog, but I understand the need to practice self-care and I'm a big fan of doing whatever works best for you as an individual. That being said, I feel like I may owe you an apology for not" With love, Anonymous.

(2/3) acknowledging how many insightful and helpful posts dedicated to recovery are on your blog. I feel that I (and perhaps other fans of your blog) have not been as vocal about our appreciation as your detractors have been. For that, I apologize.

(3/3) Thank you for posting about what recovery looks like in your life with honesty. Thank you for the suggestions you’ve made to anons that have helped other followers. Lastly, thank you for the nightly cute reports because they often make me smile

Oh, hon, there is absolutely no need to apologize at all!  I have been blessed with some of the kindest and most affirming followers that anyone could ask for.  I have received so many supportive messages since I started this blog.  I have taken a screenshot of every supportive message I’ve been sent, so that I don’t lose the ones that I reply to and I keep them in a folder on my desktop.  I have considered printing them out and putting them in a book to flip through.  These are some of the greatest gifts that I have ever been given and I am so thankful.  My detractors are few and far between, and often hurting a lot themselves.

I really appreciate your message.  It was so incredibly thoughtful and kind.  Honestly, I feel like you just gave me the biggest hug.  I hope that everyone will be okay with me transitioning away from talking mainly about the food and body parts of recovery, and focus more on the other very complicated parts of recovery that look a lot more like average life.  I am sending you so much love.  You are the kind of person who has helped me all along the way to get here.  I’m forever grateful.

"(1/2) Jules--I've always found inspiration from your blog and liked that you make a cautious and conscious effort to tag your personal pics so that if people find them triggering they dont have to see. but w/ that, why have you made your home/thumbnail photo what it is?? It's clearly a very big nod to your collarbones. and this one, unlike others, cannot be hidden so easily from my sight. Seriously not trying to bitch you out or anything. But I havent been on tumblr for a while, and came" With love, Anonymous.

(2/2) back on here tonight because I was feeling shitty and trying to resist relapse. I saw this, and just thought it was so NOT like the things you would put out here when I used to follow tumblr regularly (about a year ago). I actually thought you must be in a relapse yourself. but then I read some of your current posts, and many are just as uplifting as they were before. So I guess I’m just confused as to your intentions with this photo. please don’t think im a heartless bitch for asking.

I’m not going to lie and say that this message didn’t make me cry.

There were no “intentions” with the photo.  I wanted a new one.  The old one was taken when I was 19 and in Italy with my now-ex, who I dated for over seven years.  I don’t post my face on this blog, but I still attempt to connect, usually with the bottom of my face, etc.  I don’t think it was a “nod” to anything other than the fact that I was feeling amazingly confident after having discovered the joys of the matte red lip.  I like the colors, I like my jawline, I love my fox shirt.  My long neck makes me feel elegant in a body that often feels painful and awkward.  I feel pretty.

To be really honest, I’m really tired of talking about my collarbones.  The internet made them a big deal.  I never thought much about them.  My eating disorder never thought much about them, especially 10 years ago when I was alone in my ED bubble without the internet.  They are just a body part!  Literally just a body part.  I know we don’t think of them that way anymore, but they are really just a body part.  I’ve explained why mine happen to be more prominent than some other peoples’.  We are talking about a photo of the lips and the clothed upper chest of a person who is a healthy weight.

Honestly, maybe I should delete this blog because I am at a point in my life where I’m not thinking about these body minutia so much.  I don’t want to have to go backwards and think about my body broken down into little assessable pieces because everyone else is thinking about my body.  Maybe I should cut out the personal blogging and go back to just reblogging and posting content related to recovery and answering questions.  Idk guys.

Do whatever you need to do to be healthy.  I want everyone to be as happy and healthy as possible, and that has always been my goal here.  I’m really sorry to hear that you are struggling right now and were feeling close to lapsing.  I’d be more than happy to talk to you about things or to help connect you up with other people to talk to if that would make you more comfortable.

"I'm struggling with bingeing and purging at night. I am moving house in a few weeks after living in the same place for 9 years & I don't know how a new living environment will affect my recovery/relapse/recovery trajectory. How can I cope with this?" With love, Anonymous.

Being in a new place can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how you go into it and what kind of supports you put in place.  This can be an opportunity to establish a new routine and break the cycle of purging at night.  Are you currently in therapy?  Seeking additional support during times of transition can be very important.  You can think about making a daily schedule for your new house with like, when you will do things like chores as well as a bedtime and plans for what happens if you start to feel like you might be headed for a binge purge night.  Think about things like how to keep connected to people, routines about daily living, and what things you will do to relax.  I don’t have experience with binging and purging, but in general, moving can be a tumultuous time.  It can also be a great opportunity.  It can shake things up.  You can put time and energy into preparing for how you are going to make things better in your life with this new start.  I also really think getting additional support is an important part of this process.  I hope this helps <3

"I don't think it's anything personal I just think it's because you're still quite thin and it can be a little triggering for some people I guess" With love, Anonymous.

I guess so?  I tag all my personal pics with julespic so people can block the tag if they want, but I want people to do whatever they need to do to be safe.  It feels like, crazy because I’m really in a good place right now in terms of my ED, so it’s hard to imagine people perceiving things that way.  Oh well.  Sorry to be a downer.  I do want people to do absolutely whatever they need to do in order to be safe and healthy.  I’m not perfect in terms of not taking anything at all personally.  I want to be a good influence.  I want to be good to all my followers.  But I also want to post about my life and stuff.  I’m not my best always, especially after my nighttime meds.

Other people, please don’t use this as an opportunity to say what you think about my body, etc.

"I'm not on Tumblr very much anymore, so I don't remember all of the people I follow so much, but once in a while something reminds me of you and I just have to check in. (And I end up just scrolling and scrolling and scrolling through your blog.) I hope you're doing well and I wish you the best of everything. Sending love and good vibes. <3 (PS Your "fancy" dress OOTD was beautiful!) :)" With love, Anonymous.

Thank you for sending this!  I never imagine anyone thinking of me ^.^  I appreciate you stopping by and checking in on me.  Sending back love and good vibes! Feel free to stop by anytime <3

"You're wonderfully lovely. Can we be friends?" With love, Anonymous.

Of course!

"wow, you are sooo thin :0 my collar bones are not visible at all T.T" With love, Anonymous.

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"(1/2) This is really embarrassing to talk about, but I'm really confused because I feel heterosexual, in that I like guys and want to be in relationships with one. I also am physically and sexually attracted, like I can see myself enjoying sexual activities with them. But... this is weird, but penises kind of freak me out? I don't know, I've always felt grossed out by them and hate seeing them on tv/pictures, which is weird for me because I love everything else about the human body" With love, Anonymous.

(2/2) on both women and men, but as soon as I think of that I cringe a little. I can see myself having sex if I didn’t look at it, but I can’t imagine giving something like a handjob or blowjob. I’ve never been sexually assaulted/molested, but penises just make me really nervous and uncomfortable. I’m nervous because I’ll be going to college and will probably have to confront this issue. Please don’t think I’m weird or trying to pull a joke with this. What do you make of this issue?

Hi there.  I don’t think that this is weird at all or a joke.  I used to feel similarly.  I’m not sure exactly why you might feel this way, but for me it was just that they were a part that I didn’t have, so they were kind of foreign and a little scary, combined with the fact that they are “reactive.”  It’s something that you don’t have and something you probably didn’t get a lot of exposure to before you were older.  You certainly don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do with penises.  You might also find that when you’re comfortable with someone, you may be more comfortable with “getting to know” their penis.  Even if you never find them aesthetically pleasing, you still may enjoy them as a part of a partner’s body and one that provides them with pleasure.  Don’t be afraid to take everything slowly and check in with yourself about everything.  You don’t have to feel or act a certain way just because you think it’s what everyone else is doing.  I found that I became more comfortable with penises through my figure drawing class.  I was completely mortified by the first nude model with a penis that I encountered, even though I’d been sexually active for a while.  It also helped to be comfortably nude with a partner, but that took time.  You will find your own path, if that’s something you want to pursue.  I really wouldn’t worry about it too much.  When I was doing sexuality education with high school/college populations I heard this all the time from people about either penises or vulvas.  Hope this helps!

"For your recovery question, to be in a healthy relationship you have to establish and understand exactly what you're expecting from another person, and what they're going to expect from you. You have to understand that they are their own individual person, and you have to try to see everything from their point of view while still being your own person. And communication is the best thing to do to help any relationship. Good luck gorgeous!((:" With love, Anonymous.

Thank you for the message.  It’s frustrating because I’m trained in relationship counseling and I can see every thing that I do that isn’t healthy.  If he invites me to do something, even if it’s a maybe, I won’t make other plans.  I need too much reassurance and I need to learn to self-soothe.  I’m extremely good at seeing things from the other person’s point of view, so I often lose my own.  Other people’s emotions feel more strongly to me than my own.  I need boundaries.  But I don’t want them.  I have never really been single.  I rely on other people too much to deal with my feelings and allow that to escalate to a complete crisis when it doesn’t have to be because they’re something to push against.  I have a lot of learning to do and a lot of work to do.  I’m not sure I can do that without being single.