"How to love your depressed lover.
Last night I thought I kissed the loneliness from out your belly button. I thought I did, but later you sat up, all bones and restless hands, and told me there is a knot in your body that I cannot undo. I never know what to say to these things. “It’s okay.” “Come back to bed.” “Please don’t go away again.” Sometimes you are gone for days at a time and it is all I can do not to call the police, file a missing person’s report, even though you are right there, still sleeping next to me in bed. But your eyes are like an empty house in winter: lights left on to scare away intruders. Except in this case I am the intruder and you are already locked up so tight that no one could possibly jimmy their way in. Last night I thought I gave you a reason not to be so sad when I held your body like a high note and we both trembled from the effort.
Some people, though, are sad against all reason, all sensibility, all love. I know better now. I know what to say to the things you admit to me in the dark, all bones and restless hands. “It’s okay.” “You can stay in bed.” “Please come back to me again."
This is so sad and incredibly relavant.
Reblogging for B.
(Source: five--a--day, via badhabitofmine)
"I got a fan letter from a young lady. It was a suicide note.
So I called her, and I said, "Hey, this is Jimmy Doohan. Scotty, from Star Trek." I said, "I’m doing a convention in Indianapolis. I wanna see you there."
I saw her — boy, I’m telling you, I couldn’t believe what I saw. It was definitely suicide. Somebody had to help her, somehow. And obviously she wasn’t going to the right people.
I said to her, "I’m doing a convention two weeks from now in St. Louis." And two weeks from then, in somewhere else, you know? She also came to New York - she was able to afford to got to these places. That went on for two or three years, maybe eighteen times. And all I did was talk positive things to her.
And then all of the sudden — nothing. I didn’t hear anything. I had no idea what had happened to her because I never really saved her address.
Eight years later, I get a letter saying, "I do want to thank you so much for what you did for me, because I just got my Master’s degree in electronic engineering.”
That’s…to me, the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.”
(Source: lesliecrusher, via genderliquid)
"do you have any mental health problems aside from anorexia?" With love, Anonymous.
I have been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder since I was about 11, then dermatillomania and trichotillomania about the same age. I struggle with the last two MUCH less now. I also have several “specific phobias” which apparently often come along with general anxiety disorder. For years I was diagnosed with depression, but last year my doctor decided that bipolar 2 was probably my actual diagnosis. I feel like everything is pretty related, rather than being entirely separate in causation. Like, the same things have manifested differently in terms of symptoms over time.
Meditation, Nayyirah Waheed (via vyperous
(Source: nayyirahwaheed, via recovery-bound-take2)
"I don't have anyone to talk to and I don't think I've ever felt this way before. I'm at the bottom. I'm depressed. My anxiety is through the roof. My self esteem is gone. I am not at all who I used to be. I don't even look like me anymore. I don't know how I got this way but I can't do it anymore i have to stop. I finally realized I have to stop. I just want to say your blog is so inspiring to me. Thank you for helping me on my own road to recovery. I'm glad you exsist Im sending so much love<33" With love, Anonymous.
I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been suffering so badly and I’m very proud of you for deciding that you need to find a way to stop. Thank you for following my blog and please let me know if I can support you in any way <3 <3 <3
My sleep report for last night
My psychiatrist told me that getting good quality sleep was going to be very important for managing my mood, and that my lamictal can interfere with my sleeping. I just downloaded the Sleep Cycle app for my iPhone, which monitors your movements during sleep to determine your cycles into deep sleep and the overall quality of sleep that you’re getting.
It will develop graphs over time, and you can add categories like “did yoga before bed” or “took a melatonin supplement” to the Sleep Notes category and use a graph to compare the sleep you get with and without those conditions. You can also chart your mood when you wake up.
It will also keep track over time of how much sleep you’re getting per night, and seeing changes in your sleep pattern can be a cue that you might be cycling into hypomania or depression.
The alarm function is pretty cool too. You give it a range of time in which it can wake you up— from like 10-30 mins, and it will wake you up at the most gentle part of your sleep cycle at some point during that period.
"I have a question. I've been battling an eating disorder for 4 1/2 years. I've also been battling depression for about the same amount of time. But I've begun to wonder if my diagnosis should actually be bipolar and if I was just diagnosed with depression because at times of my session I was depressed. How do I know? What's the best way to treat both?" With love, Anonymous.
It sounds like a good first step would be establishing a relationship with a therapist or psychiatrist. You can express your questions about your diagnosis to them and they can do an up-to-date evaluation. It often takes time to tease out whether someone is experiencing depression or bipolar 2, in particular. It often takes a longer term relationship with a treatment professional who can speak with you over time and come to know you.
In terms of treatment, there are some medications that work better for bipolar depression than unipolar depression and vis versa. There is often a lot of overlap in terms of therapy— cognitive behavioral therapy can be helpful for both, as well as eating disorders. A therapist or psychiatrist can suggest other treatments like dialectical behavioral therapy or eating disorder programs that deal with comorbid disorders.
Overall, it often takes time to get an accurate diagnosis, and developing a relationship with a professional who you feel connected with can help with diagnosis and treatment. Wishing you all the best in this fight <3
Tuesday October 22nd
"I remember a while ago you mentioned that you might have bipolar-- is that a confirmed diagnosis?" With love, Anonymous.
It’s something that my psychiatrist brought up as probably true, but isn’t really pursuing making it “official.” It’s on my chart, so I guess that’s kind of confirmed? She doesn’t think it’s important to my treatment outside of finding a medication that will treat the depressive parts because she doesn’t see the hypomania as an issue and I’m scared to lose it, to be honest. In terms of other treatment, my therapist has always been very flexible and open to different types of treatment, so the possibility of bipolar opened up new types of therapy that we could try. I’m not sure why the people treating me are so content with it being this “probably” sort of thing because I think it would help me understand myself if I knew for sure. I’m really not sure what range of emotions is considered “normal,” and that scares me. The medication I am currently on is used to treat the depression part of bipolar, not clinical depression, and it’s certainly the only thing that’s worked before.
"Yesterday, I spent 60 dollars on groceries,
took the bus home,
carried both bags with two good arms back to my studio apartment
and cooked myself dinner.
You and I may have different definitions of a good day.
This week, I paid my rent and my credit card bill,
worked 60 hours between my two jobs,
only saw the sun on my cigarette breaks
and slept like a rock.
Flossed in the morning,
locked my door,
and remembered to buy eggs.
My mother is proud of me.
It is not the kind of pride she brags about at the golf course.
She doesn’t combat topics like, ”My daughter got into Yale”
with, ”Oh yeah, my daughter remembered to buy eggs”
But she is proud.
See, she remembers what came before this.
The weeks where I forgot how to use my muscles,
how I would stay as silent as a thick fog for weeks.
She thought each phone call from an unknown number was the notice of my suicide.
These were the bad days.
My life was a gift that I wanted to return.
My head was a house of leaking faucets and burnt-out lightbulbs.
Depression, is a good lover.
So attentive; has this innate way of making everything about you.
And it is easy to forget that your bedroom is not the world,
That the dark shadows your pain casts is not mood-lighting.
It is easier to stay in this abusive relationship than fix the problems it has created.
Today, I slept in until 10,
cleaned every dish I own,
fought with the bank,
took care of paperwork.
You and I might have different definitions of adulthood.
I don’t work for salary, I didn’t graduate from college,
but I don’t speak for others anymore,
and I don’t regret anything I can’t genuinely apologize for.
And my mother is proud of me.
I burned down a house of depression,
I painted over murals of greyscale,
and it was hard to rewrite my life into one I wanted to live
But today, I want to live.
I didn’t salivate over sharp knives,
or envy the boy who tossed himself off the Brooklyn bridge.
I just cleaned my bathroom,
did the laundry,
called my brother.
Told him, “it was a good day."
A Good Day (Kait Rokowski)
(Source: wordsthat-speak, via hyperactive-hero)
"What side effect? is it the rash from lamictal?" With love, Anonymous.
No, luckily I’m way past the point during lamictal when people tend to get the rash, and I wouldn’t be particularly embarrassed about that, just worried because it’s dangerous.
I don’t think I feel comfortable posting what happened publicly, but I will probably answer if people ask me off-anon.
Sunday September 29th
Most embarrassing medication side effect ever. Can I curl up under a rock and die now? Can one doctor, psychiatrist, or therapist get in touch with me? Because I need to get this taken care of right now.