My pain clinic nurse weighed me “wrong” (in sneakers and jacket, not light clothes or gown without shoes, and then rounded down arbitrarily to account for it).
And that’s okay. It didn’t feel okay at first but I wasn’t about to freak out at a nurse who had no idea about eating disorders and “weigh-in protocols.” It’s okay even though it’s permanently written somewhere as part of my records.
Numbers don’t have to be “real” because I’m not a calculator or a math problem. There is no “ONE REAL TRUE WEIGHT.” My weight is not a higher power or a truth of the universe.
The Scale Smashing Was A Success!
My friend B and I hiked out to Walden Pond and climbed down some rocks to the beach. It had just started to snow. I had covered the glass of the scale in Thoreau quotes the previous night. In order to smash it, we wrapped it in a sheet, put it inside a canvas bag, and put the bag in a backpack. Then we smashed the heck out of it on the rocks.
Remembering this today for some reason.
Today’s flavor is pink lemonade!
Today’s theme is getting through the day!
Yesterday I accidentally found out my weight because the nurse left my chart open next to the bed. I am realizing that not knowing is unpleasant but knowing seems to trigger more thoughts of using behaviors. It doesn’t even matter if the number is lower or higher; the effect seems to be the same. B is mad that I looked.
I’m treating myself to my favorite cupcake since I had to do all the medical stuff this morning and got stuck with needles.
I went to the Apple Store to get everything on my laptop fixed, since the warranty is expiring in a week and they are going to have to wipe my hard drive. I have it backed up and hopefully that will work but there is a part of me that is totally terrified of losing my body-checking photos. But if they were gone they would just be gone and maybe I would be at peace with that.
I was a mess earlier from my difficult day and the message I got but now I feel like you guys have given me the biggest hug. I feel so blessed. Thank you. For every negative word, you all give me a million positive ones.
paradise-won replied to your post: anonymous said:(1/3) I’m sorry th…
Are you deleting or just changing? I will miss you if you’re leaving. But you have to do what’s best for yourself x
I’ve been considering deleting for a while but I’ve decided against it. I think my blog has transitioning over the course of the past few years from a pure inspirational blog, to incorporating my early recovery and weight restoration/meal plan, then the roller coaster of lapses and recommitments, and now on to the further parts of recovery that involve self exploration. I still blog about a lot of the different facets of recovery, including the inspiration, food, and body image, but things have certainly evolved over the years. I hope my followers will understand this and I’m happy to be sharing this part of my journey. I can share more of who I am outside of my eating disorder with you all now. <3
"(1/3) I'm sorry that you're considering deleting this blog, but I understand the need to practice self-care and I'm a big fan of doing whatever works best for you as an individual. That being said, I feel like I may owe you an apology for not" With love, Anonymous.
(2/3) acknowledging how many insightful and helpful posts dedicated to recovery are on your blog. I feel that I (and perhaps other fans of your blog) have not been as vocal about our appreciation as your detractors have been. For that, I apologize.
(3/3) Thank you for posting about what recovery looks like in your life with honesty. Thank you for the suggestions you’ve made to anons that have helped other followers. Lastly, thank you for the nightly cute reports because they often make me smile
Oh, hon, there is absolutely no need to apologize at all! I have been blessed with some of the kindest and most affirming followers that anyone could ask for. I have received so many supportive messages since I started this blog. I have taken a screenshot of every supportive message I’ve been sent, so that I don’t lose the ones that I reply to and I keep them in a folder on my desktop. I have considered printing them out and putting them in a book to flip through. These are some of the greatest gifts that I have ever been given and I am so thankful. My detractors are few and far between, and often hurting a lot themselves.
I really appreciate your message. It was so incredibly thoughtful and kind. Honestly, I feel like you just gave me the biggest hug. I hope that everyone will be okay with me transitioning away from talking mainly about the food and body parts of recovery, and focus more on the other very complicated parts of recovery that look a lot more like average life. I am sending you so much love. You are the kind of person who has helped me all along the way to get here. I’m forever grateful.
"I'm struggling with bingeing and purging at night. I am moving house in a few weeks after living in the same place for 9 years & I don't know how a new living environment will affect my recovery/relapse/recovery trajectory. How can I cope with this?" With love, Anonymous.
Being in a new place can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how you go into it and what kind of supports you put in place. This can be an opportunity to establish a new routine and break the cycle of purging at night. Are you currently in therapy? Seeking additional support during times of transition can be very important. You can think about making a daily schedule for your new house with like, when you will do things like chores as well as a bedtime and plans for what happens if you start to feel like you might be headed for a binge purge night. Think about things like how to keep connected to people, routines about daily living, and what things you will do to relax. I don’t have experience with binging and purging, but in general, moving can be a tumultuous time. It can also be a great opportunity. It can shake things up. You can put time and energy into preparing for how you are going to make things better in your life with this new start. I also really think getting additional support is an important part of this process. I hope this helps <3
My coworker surprised me with my very favorite cupcake (oreo cream from Party Favors, in case yall want to deliver them to my door) today out of the blue. It made me feel so good that she remembered that it was my favorite and that she wanted to make me happy just because. She doesn’t know about my eating disorder and it reminded me that people use food as a way to care for each other and show that they are thinking of you. It was a good reminder.
Welcome to my millionth cupcake selfie. It’s super hot, I know.
A one week challenge
B and I talked and I had an idea about making progress because I feel like I really just want to kick this eating disorder out of my life. I am going to try to go a week without doing any fat talk/weight talk/body talk. He’s involved because he’s the one who usually has to hear me vocalize what’s in my head. I have a hypothesis that not bringing these thoughts into the world might be helpful at this point because it just tends to escalate once I start saying it out loud. Maybe this will be a colossal failure and trying to keep them in my head is awful and will make everything worse, but it’s worth a shot. We are doing a one week trial of this and we are going to see how it goes. I assume that I won’t keep a strict rule like this forever, but maybe a break from it will help break the cycle. Anyway, I don’t know how it will go and I’m not suggesting everyone else tries this. I’ll let you all know how it’s going but I will not be fat talking/weight talking/or body talking this week on my blog either.
Today has been tough.
I did a lot of things that were important to do but potentially triggering. I had a few of my friends come over to see if they wanted some clothes that I was giving away since I’m cleaning out my room in order to move at the end of the month. Some of my older pre-relapse clothes were too big for one of them. It was tough.
I also had a rough conversation with a friend about her eating, nutrition, and being undernourished. That was tough too but it was important to do and I feel like I was able to do it and be okay today.
I feel good about these things, even though they were tough and it was a risk to go through with them.