I always end up posting the disordered thoughts that are currently bugging me at like 3 AM and then turning the posts to private before people see them and think poorly of me or are triggered. I feel like this sucks.
Currently freaking the fuck out because I have looked at my BostonChildren’s online portal that tells you all the reports, labs, and measurements from all your visits and mine all say “Nutritional Deficiency (active), Anxiety (active), Connective tissue disorder (Active)” and not Anorexia Nervosa, even though I guess I don’t currently fit the criteria but that’s because I’m in recovery, not because I don’t have anorexia. I’m not sure why this fucking matters to me but it really quite does. Also, the measure my height slightly differently every time and then make my BMI based off of my height differently every time!
I wouldn’t want to advocate you hiding under clothing, but I think it’s fine to find summer clothing that you’re more comfortable in. Wear things that allow you to experience the joys of summer without being constantly thinking about your body. You can try babydoll dresses, flowy lace tops, maxi skirts and dresses, and floaty summer skirts. Everyone is different, but I found that I was really uncomfortable in shorts and tight dresses but quite comfortable in dresses that were fitted in the chest and then flared out or in flowy boho styles. I can post some ideas if you’d like— just send another ask and I’ll put up some links? Find some things that you actually like and think are pretty, too.
It’s going to take some time for you to get used to wearing less clothing in general. You may find that comfort will increase with time. To some degree, everyone else is also feeling the same way. Remember that people are going to be more concerned with their own bodies than they are with yours. Hope this helps!
Is this the same person who keeps asking me questions about tummy flatness, bloating, and exercise? There’s no reason that someone who has recovered can’t have a flat tummy, if that’s how their body naturally acts. Anorexia won’t permanently alter what your body type is, although weight redistribution can take up to a year. Some people will never have a flat tummy at a healthy weight, others will. Pretty much no one has a flat tummy 100% of the time because there’s food and organs in there. It is meant to expand in response to food. It’s impossible to spot-reduce fat, but if your core muscles are wasted away from anorexia, it may end up looking different over time. Again, I don’t really give advice about exercise and body toning aside from using yoga as a wellness tool.
I’m sorry if this response comes across as rude; I certainly don’t intend it that way. I understand really wanting your stomach to be flat, and that might happen, but I think that focusing to this extent on altering your body could get in the way of some of the mental work of recovery. Best wishes <3
Oh, hon. That sounds like a really difficult and painful situation to be in, although I’m really glad to hear that you’ve been doing well lately. It sounds like you just wanted to get that off of your chest, so I won’t say too much but please let me know if you want to talk about it or think of ways to handle your feelings or the situation. I’m wishing the best for both of you and thank you for sharing your feelings here <3
I always manage to gain weight back just in time for summer clothes.
Holla at not “getting skinny for summer.”
Just ignore me crying a little.
Hi, I’m glad to hear that you’re doing better. I hope you’ve cleared starting to exercise with someone like a doctor, nutritionist, or therapist. I don’t really offer exercise/toning up advice in general. It can take longer to build muscle if your body is trying to repair the damage caused by restricting or being malnourished, because all your cellular energy tends to be going towards that. It’s probably best to ask someone else about these things, sorry.
You cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created it..
No, the criteria for diagnosing eating disorders always includes a behavioral component. However, the individual could be diagnosed with another mental illness. For example, an individual with intrusive and obsessive thoughts about food and eating might be diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder, since OCD can be characterized by obsessions, compulsions, or both. It can be primarily obsessional in some cases and people may have intrusive thoughts that are very upsetting. Someone could also have body dysmorphic disorder and have a strong anxiety or preoccupation about a perceived defect or defects in their body. In any case, whether or not someone fits the criteria for having an eating disorder, being tormented by negative obsessive thoughts is something to take seriously and seek treatment for. You don’t need an eating disorder diagnosis in order to feel better. Take your thoughts seriously because you could also be in a higher risk position for developing an eating disorder. Hope this helps!
Ootd, one of my new ModCloth Stylish Surprise dresses with a blazer from Anthropologie and flats from JCrew.
I just had dinner with my ex. I’m not sure how I feel. I think I feel detached. We wandered through the asian grocery store after dinner and he bought me a gigantic bag of like 50 fortune cookies just because I thought it was funny and I wanted to just keep opening fortunes until I got everything I needed.
Some people who have been severely malnourished experience muscle wasting, which includes the muscles of the abdomen. When people refeed after this muscle wasting, sometimes they initially experience some roundness in the stomach area from bloating and from lack of structure in the abdominal wall. The body has had to cannibalize muscle tissue since it hasn’t been receiving proper nutrition. Neither of these things is permanent and they also have little to do with body fat. Eating sufficiently along with doing activities of daily living like sitting up and walking around should restore these muscles to perfectly fine working order, although some people eventually (with medical approval) strengthen their core through things like yoga to improve general health and reduce things like lingering pain.
It is true that if you carried some weight in your tummy before your restriction that you will carry some there once you are weight-redistributed. Generally people find that their body eventually settles back to a similar general shape to what it was before their ED, although this is more complicated for those who got sick and weight restored during their teen/early 20’s when body fat naturally changes location. Spot reduction of fat doesn’t work, so this will end up having little to do with your abdominal muscles, although muscle tone can change the appearance in general, as explained above.
Overall, weight redistribution can take about a year, sometimes longer, and it often continues in an accelerated but totally normal way if someone is still in their pubescent and recently post-pubescent years. It’s very normal to be having this experience right now. Just my two cents on what might be going on. <3
I know that I’m not allowed to have a scale, so I try not to have one, but occasionally I freak out. Then I will go at whatever hour and in whatever context to CVS and buy a scale with the intention of bringing it back. I convince myself that it’s not really owning a scale… it’s just borrowing it. Then I have to return it. Once I bought a scale at 1 am and returned it at 3 am to the same cashier at the same CVS. It’s embarrassing to do. So, I now have a temporary scale that I need to return to my local CVS… again… and I also feel guilty because they probably can’t resell it and they always take the return. I am 23 years old and shouldn’t be doing this. Don’t worry, I always do return it. I feel quite silly. I guess if you can’t laugh at yourself…
I wandered around Anthropologie for an hour yesterday looking for something “self-care-y” to get with my gift card. I eventually settled on this matte red lipstick which makes me feel like a badass. I feel pretty crappy right now. Gaining weight feels bad. My therapist and I decided that it wouldn’t be good for me to go back to that nutritionist and I don’t feel ready to try and find yet another new one right now. She wants me to go inpatient for depression/ed but doesn’t trust that there is anywhere that will give me the care that she wants me to have. She also said I could go home for a while. Neither of these things are actually options. I’m an adult with a job and an apartment and rent. I can’t just disappear for however long. My weight is okay and my insurance would never cover things without “medical need”. I’m not using symptoms— I’m just feeling crappy about the fact that I’m not using symptoms. Anyway, I guess I’m fine because I’m always fine.
B likes my weight gain a WHOLE LOT. Sometimes that helps and sometimes it makes me feel worse.