Anatomy of Recovery

I'm Jules, a 23 year old recent college graduate, currently working and applying for grad school. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa when I was 14. I'm 100% committed to recovery because I know how amazing it can be. This blog is about my journey and any help and inspiration I can offer others on their own journeys.
I tag all my personal pics "julespic" so that you can block the tag if you find them triggering. I also tag all photos of food with the "food" tag in case they are triggering to you.

Ask Me Anything

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Theme by @yosoyprincesa.

The nighttime is when I’m most regretful that I’m not easier to love.  I tell you to leave when I really want you to stay.

Isn’t it pretty disordered for us to care so much about how much everyone else is eating or is being forced to eat?  I know the eating disorder cares deeply and it can be really easy to be pulled into when it becomes an intellectual debate.  If someone else’s intake posts are going to make you upset and have you question whether you’re recovering “correctly,” then you may wish to reconsider the material you view online.  I have mixed feelings about telling people to trust their medical professionals without question because I’ve received some appalling and harmful medical care for my eating disorder over the years, but at the same time no one’s blog should be telling you what to eat.

Making your own judgement calls based on scientific data is tricky for those without a high level of scientific literacy and eating disorders can convince us to hear what we want to hear.  I feel like the medical system needs to overhaul the way they treat eating disorders and use a more evidence-based approach, but where does that leave everyone else in the meantime?  Care can often be spotty.  My ideal situation ended up being in a good relationship with a very competent nutritionist who was just as much of a skeptic and a scientist as I am.  But that’s extremely hard to find (it took me four failed nutritionists) and doesn’t work for anyone.

I know that with recovery, people often feel like they have to throw themselves headlong into what they’re doing because questioning it would mean opening up a door for the ED thoughts to get in.  It becomes deeply personal because criticizing someone on a personal level for what they’re doing can really shake the forward momentum that they’ve built up and question what they are forcing to be their core beliefs in order to get through the day.

These are just a few of my thoughts on everything.  

Fact #57



The scene: a cocktail party. Enter disordered person, family member and acquaintance. They greet each other happily. The acquaintance claps eyes on the disordered person.

"You look so-" they begin. The disordered person’s head snaps around and their eyes narrow.

"No," a family member whispers in horror. "No, you musn’t-"

But it’s too late. “- healthy!” The acquaintance finishes. 

"No," the family member says again, uselessly. The disordered person opens their mouth and unleashes a torrent of pure flame, catching the acquaintance alight. 

"They didn’t mean you look fat, they just meant-” the family member, but the disordered person has grown long, jagged claws, and has begun shrieking. People are fleeing in terror. 

"IT WAS TO DO WITH YOUR HAIR," the family member shouts over the sound of the fire alarm and the acquaintance’s screaming. "YOUR SKIN. YOUR SMILE. PLEASE STOP BREAKING THE FURNITURE."

The disordered person swallows an entire chair as their second head begins to grow. Carnage. Utter desolation. The curtains are ablaze and have been ripped from their hangers, swirling around the disordered person in an angry fiery vortex. Canapes lie scattered on the floor, cream cheese mingling with blood. The smooth jazz quartet are still playing, but their timing is questionable at best.

Haha oh my gosh this is literally the best. 

That awkward moment when your body obsessions and dysmorphia suddenly focus intently on your shoes/feet/socks.  When it’s not weight/shape it’s sneakers?  Really, brain?

Sorry about everything guys :/

I can’t entirely explain it entirely.

B made me a mixtape and he said that this was the song that was the with the most important message for me on it:

Well I met an old man dying on a train.
No more destination, no more pain.
Well he said one thing, before I graduate
"Never let your fear decide your fate."

I say ya kill your heroes and fly, fly, baby don’t cry.
No need to worry ‘cause, everybody will die.
Every day we just go, go, baby don’t go.
Don’t you worry we love you more than you know.

Well the sun one day will
Leave us all behind.
Unexplainable sightings
In the sky.
Well I hate to be
The one to ruin the night.
Right before your, right before your eyes.

Well I met an old man dying on a train.
No more destination, no more pain.
Well he said one thing, before I graduate
"Never let your fear decide your fate."

"How do you feel about people who suffer from anorexia or bulimia but don't fit the stereotype of that disorder? Like what are your thoughts and opinions on it/them?" With love, Anonymous.

I’m not sure why I would have any thoughts or opinions about them aside from compassion and wanting them to be able to get help and support?  

I feel like it must be especially challenging to get support when you don’t fit people’s ideas of what eating disorders look like or who suffers from them.  There are a lot of different stereotypes that people have about who gets these disorders, as well as how their disorders play out.  There are a lot of cultural complexities that come into play as well as clinicians who may have their own biases.  People can be neglected and not receive the treatment that they need.  I think that people who suffer from eating disorders and who don’t fit the stereotypes deserve the support of the entire community, as well receiving support for having their voices heard.  Adding these stories to the narrative of the understanding of eating disorders is absolutely critical.

Holding on to joy

Holding on to joy

A note to followers:

I really sympathize with folks who send messages for me to post asking for everyone to send support to another user.  I decided a while ago not to post these messages because I don’t feel comfortable sharing information about someone or drawing attention to them without them asking me to do so.  I really think it’s kind of you to be doing and I’m sure a lot of people really appreciate the messages; I’m just not comfortable participating.  

I care about all of you and anyone can message me if they need support or want help with supporting a friend <3

"you have an amazing body image!" With love, Anonymous.

Haha, thank you!  I’m not entirely sure where you got this idea from.  I try to be as body positive as I can be and share my successes with you all.  Sometimes I like my body.  Oftentimes I don’t, but it could certainly be worse.  I think that objectively from the outside, it is often good.  But I get caught up in obsessions.  I am accepting the fact that there are certain things that I’ll probably never like about my body and I might just have to ignore them.

I’m glad that you think I have a positive body image and thank you for reminding me that I’ve definitely made progress in this regard.  I don’t want everyone to think that I have a great body image, especially all the time, because that’s not realistic for other people to want to emulate.

I wish that I was more of a body image and body positive role model than I feel like I am.

Talk to me.

Aw, people are reblogging this again :)  Lil young me.

Aw, people are reblogging this again :)  Lil young me.

(Source: anatomy-of-recovery)

I’m back home for a week and it’s going pretty well so far.  Today I made my family a beautiful breakfast for dinner; a summer frittata and oven french toast with strawberries.  My mom was even willing to eat the entire dinner as long as I didn’t salt it or put anything with salt in it.  My sister was willing to eat it as long as I didn’t use cream in the french toast.  Such is family.  Sigh.  My mom would NEVER have had this a few years ago.  Never.  So there are things to be thankful for, certainly.

My mom also got me this super super adorable cat necklace at Target.  It’s amazing how exciting Target becomes when you never get to go to it.

"are you weight restored?" With love, Anonymous.

Long time followers of this blog will know that I really dislike getting this question and any other questions about my weight.  If you want to talk about my weight, come off anon and give me a good reason why it’s something you should know.  I usually just use these questions to talk about stuff I feel like talking about.

That being said, I couldn’t give an answer,even if I wanted to.  I got rid of my scales and I’m not being followed by a nutritionist or a doctor who specializes in eating disorders anymore.  Before I stopped going, they couldn’t give me a consensus about what a goal weight would even be for me.  My old nutritionist was very concrete and specific, whereas the most recent one was very wishy-washy and my doctor sort of shrugged and said that if I was eating enough she guessed that whatever my weight was would be fine.  It was all very stressful.  Now I mainly practice intuitive eating while making sure to get in a certain number of meals/snacks a day.  It’s certainly an adjustment to not know my weight or have someone guiding my weight when in the past I had such a specific number or range to focus on or achieve.

So, I don’t know my weight.  I don’t know if it’s “restored.”  I am not even sure what “restored” would mean for me anymore.  I can guess at about where I’m at, but that’s not information that I think would be helpful for folks and I’m not at all sure if it would even be accurate.

"I don't like the word sexy and I hate when people call me such. I personally feel degraded - as if as a woman I am merely a sex object. Now of COURSE people don't usually mean it that way. But I've had so many men mean it that way that it's repulsive to me. So my point is that we all see words differently and that doesn't make us insecure about who we are just because we don't like the words definition. :)" With love, Anonymous.

(2) and “sexy” or even “attractive” are things that are maybe even more important to keep to classified individuals. Not that you don’t want people to think you aren’t sexy but that it’s not the piece of you you want them to see…? Anyways, long story short, you’re normal for wanting to control others’ perceptions of you and I hope you come to peace with this discomfort in one way or another (and that nobody makes you feel uncomfortable if they have power to avoid it) ps you’re a lovely human<3

Thank you; I really appreciate the thought and care in your response.  I think you hit on a lot of things that resonate with me.

"You are sexy. :)" With love, Anonymous.

I don’t always want to be sexy though!  I feel vulnerable when people on the street think I’m sexy.  It isn’t comfortable or really a good thing in my mind a lot of the time.  I appreciate that this message was intended to be reassuring and a compliment and I’m thankful for the kindness you were showing.  Sexuality is pretty complicated for me.