Anatomy of Recovery

I'm Jules, a 23 year old recent college graduate, currently working and applying for grad school. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa when I was 14. I'm 100% committed to recovery because I know how amazing it can be. This blog is about my journey and any help and inspiration I can offer others on their own journeys.
I tag all my personal pics "julespic" so that you can block the tag if you find them triggering. I also tag all photos of food with the "food" tag in case they are triggering to you.

Ask Me Anything

1 2 3 Next
Theme by @yosoyprincesa.
"Hello. I was wondering if you could help me, since you know what I'm going through. Or possibly going through, I don't even know. I'm pretty sure I have an eating disorder, it just seems so tiny and insignificant compared to what other people may be going through I don't even know if my problems are worth solving. I've never really talked to anyone about it before so I might be rambling, sorry. But I want to get better, but I don't want to involve my family and friends; it's not fair to them." With love, Anonymous.

I think that if you’re suffering, you deserve to feel better.  There’s always going to be someone worse off than you but that doesn’t take away the fact that you’ve got whatever you’ve got going on.  Many people with disordered eating have thought distortions that minimize their problems.  Your problems are always worth solving.  Your family and friends are there because they want to support you.  Wouldn’t you want to support them if they were in a similar situation.  Don’t discount yourself.  Treat yourself how you’d treat your friends.  Find compassion for yourself.  Wanting to get better is really great.  You may have an eating disorder, you may have disordered eating that could develop into an eating disorder and you may have disordered eating that just makes you miserable or prevents you from fully engaging in your life.  In any case, reaching out to someone is really important.  You aren’t a burden.  You are a valued member of your family and your community, and that’s a totally fair thing to do.

"I just wanted to say that you inspire me and I think it is great that you share your life and your story on Tumblr. It is really helpful for people like me who are in recovery." With love, Anonymous.

Thank you, I’m so glad to be helpful to anyone.  I also find it helpful to be able to have a safe space to talk about stuff and have such supportive people who listen.  <3

OOTD is more exciting when I don’t have most of my clothes or a mirror and still have to fit dress code.  It’s looking a little silly.  Yay.  

Can I be done with moving yet?  At least I bought food today to keep at work for my insane hours, so I can now have two meals and a snack at work, even if nothing else works out in my day.  I got yogurts, kiwi, bagels from the real bagel place, lunchmeat, butter, banana bread, some trader joe’s frozen meals, odwalla supplement protein shakes, and chocolate covered sunflower seeds.

"i didn't know that 'body checking' was an actual thing.... i've done that for several years now, i'm over a year into my recovery but to this day i still do it. this now worries me :/" With love, Anonymous.

I certainly don’t mean to worry you!  You’re still exactly where you were before you heard about this as an aspect to many peoples eating disorders.  Recovery is a process and it’s not uncommon to still have things like this going on, especially if they haven’t been specifically addressed by treatment that may focus more on something like weight gain.  Body checking is something that all people do to a certain extent but something that people with eating disorders often do to the point where it is detrimental or their body checking is paired with detrimental cognitive distortions.  It’s something that you might want to bring up in therapy so you can work on it.  Wouldn’t it be nice to live without all those things that worry you and bring you down?  It’s not something that should make you doubt yourself, a way to move forward that maybe you didn’t know you had.  Again, I am very sorry to worry you.

This PDF has some helpful activities for addressing body checking, but working with a therapist is ideal.

"I hope this doesn't trigger anything (I would never, ever want to do that), but you mentioned in a post a while back something called "body checking." What is that? (Sending love and good vibes. <3)" With love, Anonymous.

Thank you for being so considerate in your question.  Body checking is a repetitive behavior that can take a lot of different forms for different people.  It’s usually a behavior that “checks in” on the body and is used for comfort or judgement of someone’s body.  I don’t want to trigger anyone by describing what body checking is for me but commonly described behaviors include weighing, measuring, examining in the mirror, or feeling the body in particular ways.  These behaviors have been described in similar terms to certain OCD behaviors.  It’s kind of hard to explain but doing body checking is comforting to me and can also send me into a panic depending on how the checking goes.  This means that it can sometimes make you feel good, but when in you’re in recovery and moving in a positive direction, something that you once found comforting now upsets you all the time.  It’s something that I think is very important to address in recovery.  I’ve found that certain types of body checking were harder for me to kick than others.  I can stop myself from weighing by not having access to a scale, but things like touching are harder for me to kick.  And the weighing is still an ongoing struggle.  I hope this helps and I can answer more specific questions off anon. <3

"How are you recovered? You're thin" With love, Anonymous.

I have a number of responses to this, aside from the obligatory eye roll.

  1. I have requested numerous times that people not comment on my body.  Please be respectful.
  2. This is just your opinion.  See above^
  3. I have never claimed to be “recovered” only recovering.  It’s an ongoing process.  And I’m the one who gets to define recovery for myself, just like I offer you the same courtesy.  You may think that my assessments are incorrect, but it’s not your job to judge that.
  4. Eating disordered is not a body type.  You can’t tell if someone has an eating disorder from looking at them, so why would you assume someone was not recovered by looking at them?  You’re not my doctor, so you really don’t know much at all about my body.  You’re just looking at a couple of pictures!  Eating disorders are not the only reason why a person might be thin, even if that person has an eating disorder history.  How would you judge my health based on a photo?  I don’t feel like I should justify my current body.
  5. I feel like the focus on thinness in terms of recovery takes a lot away from folks who don’t have a lot of external indicators of their suffering.  Like, if I was b’ping every day and going through hell but at a higher weight, you’d probably not be sending me this message, whereas I’m pretty stable right now and I’m getting this sort of message.  And that’s really uncool.
  6. It sounds like you feel threatened or upset by your perception of my body or are comparing to my body.  I’d urge you to consider why you’re feeling this way and redirect your attention to yourself.
Well&#8230; packing&#8230; ootd&#8230; I could really be happy with not moving so frequently.  It will be a miracle if I make it through the next two weeks with my increased work hours, moving to my new place, thinking about career stuff, an interview, my birthday, starting this clinical trial, and not crashing and burning emotionally. 
Wish for my miracle?

Well… packing… ootd… I could really be happy with not moving so frequently.  It will be a miracle if I make it through the next two weeks with my increased work hours, moving to my new place, thinking about career stuff, an interview, my birthday, starting this clinical trial, and not crashing and burning emotionally. 

Wish for my miracle?

"Hey~ I just wanted to say how gorgeous you are and you're a constant inspiration to me and I'm sure many other people <3 Stay strong and keep being amazing~!" With love, Anonymous.

Thanks so much, hon <3  I really appreciate the message!

Why haven’t they found a way for my anxiety to power a hydroelectric plant or something?  I’m pretty sure it’s an unlimited source of raw potential energy that’s just sitting here in my chest.

My pain clinic nurse weighed me “wrong” (in sneakers and jacket, not light clothes or gown without shoes, and then rounded down arbitrarily to account for it).  

And that’s okay.  It didn’t feel okay at first but I wasn’t about to freak out at a nurse who had no idea about eating disorders and “weigh-in protocols.” It’s okay even though it’s permanently written somewhere as part of my records. 

Numbers don’t have to be “real” because I’m not a calculator or a math problem.  There is no “ONE REAL TRUE WEIGHT.”  My weight is not a higher power or a truth of the universe.


The Scale Smashing Was A Success!

My friend B and I hiked out to Walden Pond and climbed down some rocks to the beach.  It had just started to snow. I had covered the glass of the scale in Thoreau quotes the previous night.  In order to smash it, we wrapped it in a sheet, put it inside a canvas bag, and put the bag in a backpack.  Then we smashed the heck out of it on the rocks.

Remembering this today for some reason.

Cupcake selfie!  
Today&#8217;s flavor is pink lemonade!
Today&#8217;s theme is getting through the day!

Cupcake selfie!
Today’s flavor is pink lemonade!
Today’s theme is getting through the day!

I’m having awful relationship stuff right now and feel like it’s everything falling apart, so I could use some love tonight.  

And I’m getting weighed and have to face my parents, who are only in town for the weekend, in the morning and pretend to be okay?  I’m sorry for being needy.

I could smell my housemate cooking at 1 am and I was really hungry and trying to ignore it because I’d already had my meals for the day. So I went and ate pasta and now I’m eating it and it’s 1:40 am. I always feel like I’m binging when I eat late even though I know that this is NOT TRUE (binging has never been part of my ed), so I’m working through it to feed myself even though I am not sure it was the right call because I could have just gone to sleep. Idk.

(Source: nevertookim, via youarewortheverything)