Pro-Recovery
I'm Jules, a 22 year old college student. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa when I was 14. I'm 100% committed to recovery because I know how amazing it can be. This blog is about my journey and any help and inspiration I can offer others on their own journeys.
I tag all my personal pics "julespic" so that you can block the tag if you find them triggering. I also tag all photos of food with the "food" tag in case they are triggering to you.
"so my depression has gotten so so awful lately. i saw my therapist today for the first time since august, and it made me realize how truly awful i am (mental-state wise) and id like to check into a hospital or something for a week maybe. just for a break or something. but the thing is my best friend checked into one a few days ago and now i feel really stupid because i dont want him to feel like im taking away attention and i wouldnt tell anyone, but i dont know. i just feel so conflicted" With love, Anonymous.
When you are getting treatment or help, the focus has to be on getting yourself better. Anything going on with anyone else does not matter. You have to make the choices that are going to promote your health. Try to push anything going on with anyone else on your mind and focus on the core of your being. If you are feeling like you need that form of help, listen to your feelings. There are always going to be reasons you can find not to get the help you need, but you have to look past these obstructions. No one else needs to enter the conversation or decision making process. Get what you need to be healthy, love!
"hey,i'm getting seeing a phycologist but the thing is i don't want help anymore,does this make me a bad person? i feel i don't deserve it so why should i get help,there's nothing even wrong with me,everyone has a reason to why they're feeling down and me i just have a disabled brother and sister so why should that effect me so much,why should that make me make myself throw up,i don't want help anymore but then i do and i'm so confused :(" With love, Anonymous.
Hey hon. It sounds like you’re struggling with a lot right now. It’s really normal to feel conflicted about getting treatment. An eating disorder will tell you that you aren’t sick, don’t deserve help, don’t have it that bad, etc. These are distortions that keep you sick. Anyone with an eating disorder has had these feelings. An eating disorder will try to hold on tightest when you are getting treatment and getting better because it is threatened. Right now is the time to stick with things, even if you aren’t convinced that you want it. Keep pushing through and you can get to a place where you can see all of these things through clear eyes. Your suffering is important. You don’t need to compare it to anyone else’s.
Everyone has times that they feel down, but feeling down is very different from having a mental illness. The wonderful thing about it is that your mental illness can be treated. You can’t go around comparing your suffering to others because you have what you have, and it’s your job to make the most of it. Treatment is how you make the most of it and how you make sure you are the best person you can be for yourself and your family.
I had to miss out on meeting friends for lunch and to say goodbye for the last time before everyone leaves after graduation because I have a nutritionist appointment. I’m in one of those moods where I really despise having to do treatment things. I got in trouble in nutrition a few weeks ago for not wanting to open up and I’m afraid today is going to be another bitchy day.
"You go Jules, four for you Jules! But for realsies so badass going to a pool party and having ice cream <3 hope I can get there one day! Much love" With love, Anonymous.
Senior week. Too much drinking. Eating at weird times makes my digestion stop. I have never weighed this much in my life. Trying to stave off a melt down.
I went to Goodwill to shop for work clothes to wear to my new internship (and whatever comes after). Clothing shopping has been a bit rough recently and has frequently sent me into tailspins.
I was looking at the suits and this woman who was also shopping asked me if I was looking at suits, and I said yes. Somehow she decided to be my personal shopping assistant and start pulling things for me to try, without asking my size. I felt my head start screaming because she was pulling sizes that were larger than my actual size and she thought I was 4 inches shorter than I am.
I freaked out because it was like a confirmation that other people really do see me as being just as fat as I see myself.
Somehow, I managed not to cry in the store, though. I made it through the rest of the shopping trip and even tried things on after that. I didn’t manage any pants, but I got some other things that I can wear and feel good in. Also, some woman when I was leaving the Goodwill approached me and said, “Now, don’t think I’m a lesbian or something, but you have a fantastic figure!”
Anyway, I wanted to end this on a hopeful, positive note, but, seeing as how my sense of hope and positivity is still shrouded in a thick layer of feeling like hope and positivity are bullshit, I’ll just say this: Nobody can guarantee that it’s going to be okay, but — and I don’t know if this will be comforting to anyone else — the possibility exists that there’s a piece of corn on a floor somewhere that will make you just as confused about why you are laughing as you have ever been about why you are depressed. And even if everything still seems like hopeless bullshit, maybe it’s just pointless bullshit or weird bullshit or possibly not even bullshit.
I don’t know.
But when you’re concerned that the miserable, boring wasteland in front of you might stretch all the way into forever, not knowing feels strangely hope-like.
Lily Myers, performing for Wesleyan University at the 2013 College Unions Poetry Slam Invitational. This poem was awarded Best Love Poem at the tournament.
Would it help to look at other people’s pictures and how they aren’t perfect (because nobody is, really)? I did that for my linkedin picture.
It’s not so much that I think that the picture needs to be perfect. I looked at the pictures that past interns have posted and it’s really not about us being pretty. It’s mainly that in order to go through my photos to find one for the website, I have to wade through an ocean of photos of different weights, including low weight pictures.
