Anatomy of Recovery

I'm Jules, a 23 year old recent college graduate, currently working and applying for grad school. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa when I was 14. I'm 100% committed to recovery because I know how amazing it can be. This blog is about my journey and any help and inspiration I can offer others on their own journeys.
I tag all my personal pics "julespic" so that you can block the tag if you find them triggering. I also tag all photos of food with the "food" tag in case they are triggering to you.

Ask Me Anything

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Theme by @yosoyprincesa.

(via her-secretinhibitions)

Excuse my fails at sassiness.  Today was a long day.

Transitions are hard.  Like, really hard for me.  I have 13 days left at my current job right now.  I didn’t really stand up for my needs because I didn’t want to screw over my coworkers and so now I’m working in the evenings while I train for my new job in a few weeks.  All this is boring, I guess.  I feel like learning to live is just as much a part of recovery as fear foods and weigh-ins but no one probably wants to hear about it.  I had crepes for breakfast for no particular reason except that I felt like it.  I’m approved for accommodations to take the GRE.

Me to the boyfriend: Ahhh accidently on a thinspo blog,
Boyfriend: Oh no, but that's more than 10 numbers for a phone number.
Me: It's thinspo. None of the numbers are real.

Life etc.

I can’t wait until I have a normal schedule at my new job.  I really feel like I need that in order to move forward with my mental and physical health.  Tomorrow is bogo frappuccino day, so there’s always that to look forward to…

Customer sized for an item which I warn them runs really small…Is sized as my size, coincidentally… Gets upset… Says she guesses she needs to start throwing up or something… Then says people who wear the smallest size must be freaks.
Good job, customer. You win my shit of the day award!

So, what if I never want to wear an underwire bra again?  Like, even when my boobs get bigger?  I feel like not wearing one actually decreases my pain level.

"I really don't know much about ed at all but my boyfriend is physically incapable of consuming anything. It started out with him "forgetting to eat a meal" and has gotten progressively worse. He's always tired and gets intense muscle spasms from not eating. But then he tries to eat, he can only take a couple bites of anything. And the way, he looks at himself in the mirror.. I know he isnt seeing what im seeing. I'm so worried about him but I really don't know how to talk to him about it." With love, Anonymous.

I can see why you would be very concerned; it sounds like this might be a very serious situation.  Here are some resources for talking to someone about their eating disorder:

It’s possible that he won’t listen or won’t listen immediately.  You may need to put his safety first and talk to someone else about what’s going on, like a parent/guardian.  I would really urge you to do so if you can’t get him on board with seeking immediate help.  It can be useful to have an easy plan for him to say yes to.  For example, having the number of a therapist/treatment provider all set and ready to call so that there’s as little effort required to say yes as possible.  A healthcare professional can assess what’s going on and help you both come up with a plan if they think one is needed.  Make sure that you’re getting support as well.  I know that you’ll probably want to protect his privacy, but you also need to prioritize your health.  I hope this helps and I really think it’s important to address this right away.

"I hate myself so effing much! I am always too lazy, too sloppy, too slow... I want to give up!" With love, Anonymous.

Hey hon, I really don’t want you to give up!  You are so valued.  I know what it feels like to feel that way, I really do.  It isn’t going to feel like this forever.  I know that it seems like too much to keep pushing and trying, but you can do it and you are worth it.  Even if you can’t love or respect yourself right now, hang on to the fact that everyone who has gone through this has felt this way and that things have gotten better.  Try to treat yourself the way you would treat a friend and be kind to yourself.  I know it’s hard.  You can do this.  I believe in you.

Has anyone had to explain a semester of bad grades or withdrawals from all classes, or a semester of leave on grad school applications?

Message me?

Tumblr recommends, like, literally the worst posts on my dash from blogs I don’t follow.  This morning it was a series of weight loss before and afters, and then this evening it was a picture that read “Health food won’t kill you but junk food will” with a person slitting their wrists with a banana.

Wtf tumblr?  If I hit the “omg no” and “pls no” buttons enough will you go away and send me kittens or something.

"Hey, I'm the anon with the hair loss problem - thank you so much for responding! I haven't had my hormone levels checked - I'll ask my doctor about it next time I see him. Seriously thank you so much! Jusy another question though - are there any particular foods you recommend to stimulate hair growth? Best wishes for your recovery - take care sweetie!" With love, Anonymous.

You’re welcome, hon!  I don’t really believe in the whole “foods do special things” business.  Foods are going to have a variety of things based on what nutrients are in them but there aren’t any magic foods related to hair.  Here is an article with some suggestions, but remember that the foods they mention are just mentioned because they contain particular nutrients, not because of anything inherent.  They mention Omega-3 fatty acids, protein since protein is the building block for hair, and a few other things  but people with eating disorders also need to think about fats in general since hair and hormones are related, and fat is the building block for these hormones.

Top 10 Foods for Healthy Hair

"Hey, I have a question. I never went to the doctor's to get diagnosed but I showed behaviours that could be linked to an EDNOS. I lost a significant amount of weight, so much that my period almost disappeared. I knew what I was doing, I only didn't want to stop. Because of the period scare, I started to eat a little more, even though it is very hard for me to see I'm gaining. I keep going anyway, I don't want to die. Is this considered recovery?" With love, Anonymous.

Diagnosis or none, the decision to change your life to get rid of harmful behaviors and thoughts is a way to recover your life.  I think it’s really amazing that you’ve made this choice even though it’s really hard.  I’d encourage you to reach out for support, because you shouldn’t have to struggle with this alone.  You don’t have to be forced into recovery in order to be in recovery.  You don’t have to hit rock bottom to be in recovery.  I would consider what you’re doing to be recovery, but what matters more is whether you identify with being in recovery.  Your happiness is what’s most important, not any label.  You’re working to get your life back and that’s brave.


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Here, followers.  Have this blurry picture of me un-sexily biting my lip with a delicious ice cream sundae.

Here, followers.  Have this blurry picture of me un-sexily biting my lip with a delicious ice cream sundae.

I keep having the thought of like, “Do I really need this food?  Couldn’t I just not have it and that would be fine, because I’m more comfortable with the idea of denying myself something?  Not every single other person on earth would choose to have this food at this time, so I shouldn’t have it either.” but like… an eating disorder literally a DEADLY ILLNESS.  

Every time I’m presented with this dilemma, I need to remind myself that every time I choose not to eat because it would feel comfortable and safe, I am actually choosing death.  Every single choice, every single time.  When it’s like, have some cookies or death, the choice seems a bit easier for me to make.  Just some thoughts…