"Good motivation then?" With love, Anonymous.
I suppose it is somewhat. It’s a thing that sucks to hear, because I’ve been trying and it hasn’t been working. Also, I want to be doing it for me, not to make him happy. Honestly, he would be really into it if I weighed more but what he comments more on is how he wish I would gain more because he thinks I was much happier and more vibrant at my true goal weight. His comment about it in a sexual context had way more to do with stuff in the bedroom than how attractive I look walking down the street.
It’s going to be over a month before my appointment with my new nutritionist, where I’ll probably be getting a new official goal weight, so I’ll take any motivation I can get in order to make it to that appointment with my piece of mind intact.
Friday December 20th
My boyfriend told me that he was fantasizing about me back at my high weight while we were having sex last night.
"People say I'm a bad person because I tried to kill myself... I am recovering from bulimia and I'm so much better than I was when I was in that state of mind.... And I've learned from all my mistakes and take care of my body... Am I a bad person like everyone says? ....:/" With love, Anonymous.
I absolutely don’t think that you’re a bad person. People who say those sort of things lack an understanding of what it means to have a mental illness. I know it’s hard to let what they say flow in one ear and out the other, but they are underinformed and find it really hard to understand how someone might feel that way. It might also make them feel scared and angry to hear, but those responses are related to their own emotions rather than being about you. They have no jurisdiction to say what kind of a person you are.
I am so sorry to hear that you were in so much pain that you felt that you needed to do that. I hope you can find compassion for the former self, who was hurting so much, rather than judgement. I’m so proud of you for the work you’ve done in recovery. Your suffering doesn’t make you a bad person. You were trying to cope the best way that you knew how, even if you would handle it a different way now. Taking care of yourself means being gentle with your pain and gentle with your past.
Good News and Bad News
The good news:
The good news is that I’ve found a new nutritionist at the Boston Children’s adolescent eating disorders clinic and I even have an appointment set up for the soonest they could fit me in— a little over a month from now. This nutritionist will be covered by my insurance since I had to leave my old nutritionist due to lack of coverage.
The bad news:
"How to love your depressed lover.
Last night I thought I kissed the loneliness from out your belly button. I thought I did, but later you sat up, all bones and restless hands, and told me there is a knot in your body that I cannot undo. I never know what to say to these things. “It’s okay.” “Come back to bed.” “Please don’t go away again.” Sometimes you are gone for days at a time and it is all I can do not to call the police, file a missing person’s report, even though you are right there, still sleeping next to me in bed. But your eyes are like an empty house in winter: lights left on to scare away intruders. Except in this case I am the intruder and you are already locked up so tight that no one could possibly jimmy their way in. Last night I thought I gave you a reason not to be so sad when I held your body like a high note and we both trembled from the effort.
Some people, though, are sad against all reason, all sensibility, all love. I know better now. I know what to say to the things you admit to me in the dark, all bones and restless hands. “It’s okay.” “You can stay in bed.” “Please come back to me again."
This is so sad and incredibly relavant.
Reblogging for B.
(Source: five--a--day, via badhabitofmine)
killjoyfeminist said:Your mom can leave you alone, because you are kicking so much ass. This is great! You’re awesome, and I’m so proud of you.
Thanks so much, hon. This was so kind of you to say. Hearing that someone is proud of you is one of the most nourishing things. :)
My mom wants me to be gaining, she’s just sick so she can’t avoid putting herself into whatever situation I’m in. She doesn’t mean it as a bad thing about me, but more of a criticism of her own body for its potential to gain weight. I have to divorce my recovery from my expectations that she will ever be better.
Chai latte and a muffin for snack at a local cafe. My mom says “Well I’d certainly be gaining weight if I ate like that!” The joys of an ED mom. Eff off.
After two weeks of unhealthy eating, this is my mantra.
This is from theloveyourselfchallenge
"you write in your summary that you are "100% committed to recovery." I am currently in recovery and struggling a bit with commitment! are you really 100% committed? if so, how?" With love, Anonymous.
I’m so glad to hear that you’re in recovery. It’s really normal to struggle, especially in the day-to-day when motivations tend to waver. What I mean is that it is absolutely my intent to one day live a life without an eating disorder. I first got sick when I was 14 and was in complete remission for many years before relapsing, so I know what life is possible without all of this. I also grew up with a mother who has had an eating disorder for my entire life and that is one of my top motivations to change things for myself. Living that way forever is not what I want for my life and I have seen what it looks like in the long-run.
Things may waver day-to-day and I’m not perfect, but I know recovery is the answer. I know that recovered life may not always make me happy, but I also have enough experience with this hell to know that my eating disorder will NEVER make me happy, no matter what lies it tells me. It’s a vow to take leaps of faith when it comes to scary things in recovery.
It’s a commitment to one day live a different life and do what it takes to get there.
Appointment today fucking sucked. This post will include some numbers and also some negativity.