Anatomy of Recovery

I'm Jules, a 22 year old recent college graduate. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa when I was 14. I'm 100% committed to recovery because I know how amazing it can be. This blog is about my journey and any help and inspiration I can offer others on their own journeys.
I tag all my personal pics "julespic" so that you can block the tag if you find them triggering. I also tag all photos of food with the "food" tag in case they are triggering to you.

Ask Me Anything

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Theme by @yosoyprincesa.
"are you weight restored?" With love, Anonymous.

Long time followers of this blog will know that I really dislike getting this question and any other questions about my weight.  If you want to talk about my weight, come off anon and give me a good reason why it’s something you should know.  I usually just use these questions to talk about stuff I feel like talking about.

That being said, I couldn’t give an answer,even if I wanted to.  I got rid of my scales and I’m not being followed by a nutritionist or a doctor who specializes in eating disorders anymore.  Before I stopped going, they couldn’t give me a consensus about what a goal weight would even be for me.  My old nutritionist was very concrete and specific, whereas the most recent one was very wishy-washy and my doctor sort of shrugged and said that if I was eating enough she guessed that whatever my weight was would be fine.  It was all very stressful.  Now I mainly practice intuitive eating while making sure to get in a certain number of meals/snacks a day.  It’s certainly an adjustment to not know my weight or have someone guiding my weight when in the past I had such a specific number or range to focus on or achieve.

So, I don’t know my weight.  I don’t know if it’s “restored.”  I am not even sure what “restored” would mean for me anymore.  I can guess at about where I’m at, but that’s not information that I think would be helpful for folks and I’m not at all sure if it would even be accurate.

"I don't like the word sexy and I hate when people call me such. I personally feel degraded - as if as a woman I am merely a sex object. Now of COURSE people don't usually mean it that way. But I've had so many men mean it that way that it's repulsive to me. So my point is that we all see words differently and that doesn't make us insecure about who we are just because we don't like the words definition. :)" With love, Anonymous.

(2) and “sexy” or even “attractive” are things that are maybe even more important to keep to classified individuals. Not that you don’t want people to think you aren’t sexy but that it’s not the piece of you you want them to see…? Anyways, long story short, you’re normal for wanting to control others’ perceptions of you and I hope you come to peace with this discomfort in one way or another (and that nobody makes you feel uncomfortable if they have power to avoid it) ps you’re a lovely human<3

Thank you; I really appreciate the thought and care in your response.  I think you hit on a lot of things that resonate with me.

"You are sexy. :)" With love, Anonymous.

I don’t always want to be sexy though!  I feel vulnerable when people on the street think I’m sexy.  It isn’t comfortable or really a good thing in my mind a lot of the time.  I appreciate that this message was intended to be reassuring and a compliment and I’m thankful for the kindness you were showing.  Sexuality is pretty complicated for me.

"It is time for you to learn to love yourself as much as you want to be loved by others." With love, Anonymous.

I’m not really sure where this message came from or how to take it, to be honest.

If only I could control when my body is perceived as sexy and when it wasn’t.  And save that for only safe spaces.


this is one of the best thing I have seen in my life.


this is one of the best thing I have seen in my life.

(Source: realignanxiety, via caffeinatedrecoveryblog)

Today marks exactly 40 days since I last knew my weight.  I just happened to decide to count this afternoon.


Get help; you can get better.

Old post :)


Get help; you can get better.

Old post :)

(via my-url-is-shitty-i-know)

I saw that someone had edited my much-hated ad that I pass on the way to work!
Body positivity everywhere for every body!

I saw that someone had edited my much-hated ad that I pass on the way to work!
Body positivity everywhere for every body!

I think I deserve a gold fucking star for every day I go without breaking down and buying another scale.  This stuff is seriously hard and I feel like my brain is on fire every day.

So yeah.  I need gold stars.

Favorite reminder.

Favorite reminder.

(via deer-in-the-headlights-x)

b0n-j0ur-monamour replied to your post: So, I learned today that I have osteop…

did you ever lose you period? Because the loss of those monthly hormones can lead to low bone density

I know a lot about hormones, having a degree in biology and being a sexuality educator, but it seems like something more than just having or not having my period is going on here.  I’m on continuous birth control, so it’s impossible to tell.  Getting your period back is definitely a positive step for people who aren’t having it, in terms of increasing bone density!  Bone density loss in eating disorders is a pretty complicated process and many things like GH (growth hormone) and Insulin Like Growth Factor (IGF1), as well as estrogen play a role.  Age also plays a role, as do vitamin D and calcium intake.  It’s easier to lay down new bone when you’re younger.

It would probably be impossible to pinpoint exactly what caused this, aside from it being related to my ED.

I have been invited to participate in a research study for medications to try to treat osteopenia in people who have had anorexia.  I’m really not sure at all about whether I want to participate because I’m still researching the drugs that would be involved.  I’m starting to take vitamin D and calcium citrate right away, and hopefully I can reverse things. 

Guys, seriously, all this is so much easier to reverse when you’re younger!!  Don’t underestimate it!

For those who are scientifically inclined, this article about low bone density in anorexia is really interesting/helpful.

So, I learned today that I have osteopenia, which is low bone density, pre-osteoporosis.  I’m really shocked because I got a DEXA after my major relapse two years ago and was fine.  I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve gone through so many minor cycles of minor relapse and recovery ever since and it’s just taken a toll or because I’m older and no longer able to increase my bone density just by weight restoring anymore.

I honestly just feel shocked.  For whatever reason I never thought I would have any health effects from my eating disorder.  I feel like it was never that bad.  I was never sick enough to have problems?  And that it’s been relatively under control for a while.

Why is my DEXA worse now now then it was when I was sicker two years ago?  Why now?  

Why was I dumb enough to believe that I’d never have more serious health complications from this?

This is an honest question isn’t meant as a criticism, judgement, or sarcasm; I would just really like to know why people with pro-ana and thinspo blogs follow me.

If you could let me know on anon that would be really helpful.  I won’t be posting any of the answers publicly, even though they would still be anonymous.

I told my therapist that I wanted to switch to doing therapy every other week instead of every week because getting there on the bus and back literally takes up an entire afternoon and I really don’t have any afternoons to spare between working and trying to do adult things like buy groceries and make appointments.  She said we could skype every other week and I agreed.  She has always wanted to see me twice a week instead of once a week so I guess she wasn’t so hot on the idea of me moving to every other week.  She never charges me more for any of these things.