"How to love your depressed lover.
Last night I thought I kissed the loneliness from out your belly button. I thought I did, but later you sat up, all bones and restless hands, and told me there is a knot in your body that I cannot undo. I never know what to say to these things. “It’s okay.” “Come back to bed.” “Please don’t go away again.” Sometimes you are gone for days at a time and it is all I can do not to call the police, file a missing person’s report, even though you are right there, still sleeping next to me in bed. But your eyes are like an empty house in winter: lights left on to scare away intruders. Except in this case I am the intruder and you are already locked up so tight that no one could possibly jimmy their way in. Last night I thought I gave you a reason not to be so sad when I held your body like a high note and we both trembled from the effort.
Some people, though, are sad against all reason, all sensibility, all love. I know better now. I know what to say to the things you admit to me in the dark, all bones and restless hands. “It’s okay.” “You can stay in bed.” “Please come back to me again."
This is so sad and incredibly relavant.
Reblogging for B.
(Source: five--a--day, via badhabitofmine)
"What is dermatillomania? I'm just curious, I hope this doesn't sound rude by asking :/" With love, Anonymous.
Not rude at all! It is a disorder where you compulsively pick at your skin either with fingers or other items and it usually causes damage to the skin and tissue. It’s related to OCD and is frequently seen in people who have anxiety disorders and BDD. I tend to get really focused in on my skin and imperfections in it. For me, it’s partly a response similar to self harm in anxiety management and partly just something that I find myself doing accidently. I can use different coping skills to deal with the first part, and I avoid situations where I am likely to accidentally pick to deal with the second part. For example, I always wear long PJ pants when I’m home alone and going to bed because seeing my legs when I’m in bed about to go to sleep can trigger the picking. Overall, it’s not something that tends to get in the way of my life or cause physical damage anymore. When I was younger, I would do it literally for hours without realizing the time had gone by and I seriously damaged my skin/caused infections.
"do you have any mental health problems aside from anorexia?" With love, Anonymous.
I have been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder since I was about 11, then dermatillomania and trichotillomania about the same age. I struggle with the last two MUCH less now. I also have several “specific phobias” which apparently often come along with general anxiety disorder. For years I was diagnosed with depression, but last year my doctor decided that bipolar 2 was probably my actual diagnosis. I feel like everything is pretty related, rather than being entirely separate in causation. Like, the same things have manifested differently in terms of symptoms over time.
My sleep report for last night
My psychiatrist told me that getting good quality sleep was going to be very important for managing my mood, and that my lamictal can interfere with my sleeping. I just downloaded the Sleep Cycle app for my iPhone, which monitors your movements during sleep to determine your cycles into deep sleep and the overall quality of sleep that you’re getting.
It will develop graphs over time, and you can add categories like “did yoga before bed” or “took a melatonin supplement” to the Sleep Notes category and use a graph to compare the sleep you get with and without those conditions. You can also chart your mood when you wake up.
It will also keep track over time of how much sleep you’re getting per night, and seeing changes in your sleep pattern can be a cue that you might be cycling into hypomania or depression.
The alarm function is pretty cool too. You give it a range of time in which it can wake you up— from like 10-30 mins, and it will wake you up at the most gentle part of your sleep cycle at some point during that period.
"I remember a while ago you mentioned that you might have bipolar-- is that a confirmed diagnosis?" With love, Anonymous.
It’s something that my psychiatrist brought up as probably true, but isn’t really pursuing making it “official.” It’s on my chart, so I guess that’s kind of confirmed? She doesn’t think it’s important to my treatment outside of finding a medication that will treat the depressive parts because she doesn’t see the hypomania as an issue and I’m scared to lose it, to be honest. In terms of other treatment, my therapist has always been very flexible and open to different types of treatment, so the possibility of bipolar opened up new types of therapy that we could try. I’m not sure why the people treating me are so content with it being this “probably” sort of thing because I think it would help me understand myself if I knew for sure. I’m really not sure what range of emotions is considered “normal,” and that scares me. The medication I am currently on is used to treat the depression part of bipolar, not clinical depression, and it’s certainly the only thing that’s worked before.
"Yesterday, I spent 60 dollars on groceries,
took the bus home,
carried both bags with two good arms back to my studio apartment
and cooked myself dinner.
You and I may have different definitions of a good day.
This week, I paid my rent and my credit card bill,
worked 60 hours between my two jobs,
only saw the sun on my cigarette breaks
and slept like a rock.
Flossed in the morning,
locked my door,
and remembered to buy eggs.
My mother is proud of me.
It is not the kind of pride she brags about at the golf course.
She doesn’t combat topics like, ”My daughter got into Yale”
with, ”Oh yeah, my daughter remembered to buy eggs”
But she is proud.
See, she remembers what came before this.
The weeks where I forgot how to use my muscles,
how I would stay as silent as a thick fog for weeks.
She thought each phone call from an unknown number was the notice of my suicide.
These were the bad days.
My life was a gift that I wanted to return.
My head was a house of leaking faucets and burnt-out lightbulbs.
Depression, is a good lover.
So attentive; has this innate way of making everything about you.
And it is easy to forget that your bedroom is not the world,
That the dark shadows your pain casts is not mood-lighting.
It is easier to stay in this abusive relationship than fix the problems it has created.
Today, I slept in until 10,
cleaned every dish I own,
fought with the bank,
took care of paperwork.
You and I might have different definitions of adulthood.
I don’t work for salary, I didn’t graduate from college,
but I don’t speak for others anymore,
and I don’t regret anything I can’t genuinely apologize for.
And my mother is proud of me.
I burned down a house of depression,
I painted over murals of greyscale,
and it was hard to rewrite my life into one I wanted to live
But today, I want to live.
I didn’t salivate over sharp knives,
or envy the boy who tossed himself off the Brooklyn bridge.
I just cleaned my bathroom,
did the laundry,
called my brother.
Told him, “it was a good day."
A Good Day (Kait Rokowski)
(Source: wordsthat-speak, via hyperactive-hero)
Sad, Scared, Confused Jules
The other night I fell asleep with B on the sofa and we ended up sleeping there until 4:30 AM, so I’d been asleep for a while when we woke up to go upstairs. I woke up really confused and upset, absolutely CONVINCED that I had been on the couch, sleepily having a conversation with B that was super upsetting. I woke up convinced that he had said some really hurtful things and that I was upset with him. Then I had a meltdown because I couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t real, and ended up curled up on the floor of the laundry room crying, before eventually being basically carried up to bed.
Lamictal fucks up my dreams and klonopin knocks me out. Sometimes it’s a really messy combination.
One Tree Hill (via asdfjlkendrick
I feel happy a lot of the time now, but I’m so easily sent tumbling by the slightest things.
I was thrilled to get my copy of DSM-5 in the mail this May. For one thing, it was bright purple—a cheerful improvement on DSM-IV’s dreary gray!
More importantly, DSM-5 improved on upon DSM-IV by providing more detail about eating disorders that do not meet criteria for anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, or binge eating disorder. These presentations were previously classified as Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS) in DSM-IV, but the category was renamed OSFED (Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorders) inDSM-5.
As a social media enthusiast, I have seen a lot of interesting Twitter responses to DSM-5 changes over the past few weeks, including tweets like “No more EDNOS? I guess I no longer have an eating disorder” or “OSFED? Ugh. I hate the ‘fed’ part.” So I’m writing this post as a way to de-mystify the recent changes to the category formerly known as EDNOS. Here is what really happened behind the scenes of DSM-5’s shiny (purple!) cover.
Looking for apartments is incredibly stressful
But I would never have thought a few years ago that I would be handling it this well. My anxiety is under so much better control now and I can address things I am anxious about rather than chronically stressing and ignoring them completely.
"What motivated you to seek help and recover? A few months ago, I started receiving treatment for bulimia... but after a couple months I stopped. I felt like a failure every time I didn't make progress. Then there was medication... does taking medication for an eating disorder/depression/anxiety increase your health insurance bills? I don't like the thought of taking pills or needing them but I go through the same pattern of suppression and then binging/purging or not keeping/allowing any food." With love, Anonymous.
Hey hon! It sounds like you really want to recover, which is absolutely an amazing step in the right direction. I understand why you might feel like leaving treatment when you felt like you were failing to make progress. Remember that this is a long process and you are always facing new challenges, so progress can feel slow, especially if you have perfectionistic tendencies. That being said, maybe you need a different type of treatment? There are a lot of different types of treatments and programs out there, so don’t lose hope because this particular one did not work out.
I was motivated to seek help and recovery because I want to really truly live an unlimited life. I wasn’t going to accept limitations on my freedom and happiness. I wanted more from my life. Honestly, people say that you have to find the right reasons to recovery, but any reason that sets you on the right path is a good reason to recover. Once you start recovering the important reasons become clear, but you have to take the first step however you can.
I can’t speak conclusively about health insurance. Some consider a diagnosis of an eating disorder as a pre-existing condition, which historically made it harder to get free market health insurance in the future, but laws are changing now. Taking medications for it should not affect your health insurance bills, aside from having a copay for the actual medications.
I know that people have a lot of conflicting feelings about medication. It can take some time to find the right medication and the right dosage. Some people feel like it lets them be the person that they really feel like they are on the deepest level of their being. Other people use medication on a temporary basis so that they can do the therapeutic work that they need to do in order to develop coping skills that they will be able to use when they are no longer taking the medication. It can be something that can help you through the short term to get into a place where you have developed the coping skills to break the cycle and learn to avoid it in the future. Other people chose not to take medications entirely. I think it’s a matter of personal choice, but it may be worth trying, at least in the short-term.