My pain clinic nurse weighed me “wrong” (in sneakers and jacket, not light clothes or gown without shoes, and then rounded down arbitrarily to account for it).
And that’s okay. It didn’t feel okay at first but I wasn’t about to freak out at a nurse who had no idea about eating disorders and “weigh-in protocols.” It’s okay even though it’s permanently written somewhere as part of my records.
Numbers don’t have to be “real” because I’m not a calculator or a math problem. There is no “ONE REAL TRUE WEIGHT.” My weight is not a higher power or a truth of the universe.
Today’s flavor is pink lemonade!
Today’s theme is getting through the day!
I’m having awful relationship stuff right now and feel like it’s everything falling apart, so I could use some love tonight.
And I’m getting weighed and have to face my parents, who are only in town for the weekend, in the morning and pretend to be okay? I’m sorry for being needy.
I finally ran my errands and then took advantage of tax-free weekend and an old gift card to get a new lipstick. It’s the Bite High Pigment Pencil in Tart.
I could smell my housemate cooking at 1 am and I was really hungry and trying to ignore it because I’d already had my meals for the day. So I went and ate pasta and now I’m eating it and it’s 1:40 am. I always feel like I’m binging when I eat late even though I know that this is NOT TRUE (binging has never been part of my ed), so I’m working through it to feed myself even though I am not sure it was the right call because I could have just gone to sleep. Idk.
I literally live so close to the fro-yo place that I can still get my house’s wifi from there.
Yesterday I accidentally found out my weight because the nurse left my chart open next to the bed. I am realizing that not knowing is unpleasant but knowing seems to trigger more thoughts of using behaviors. It doesn’t even matter if the number is lower or higher; the effect seems to be the same. B is mad that I looked.
I’m treating myself to my favorite cupcake since I had to do all the medical stuff this morning and got stuck with needles.
I went to the Apple Store to get everything on my laptop fixed, since the warranty is expiring in a week and they are going to have to wipe my hard drive. I have it backed up and hopefully that will work but there is a part of me that is totally terrified of losing my body-checking photos. But if they were gone they would just be gone and maybe I would be at peace with that.
So we had a surprise hail storm today… and my housemates had a party last night and left all of our wooden dining room chairs out on the balcony, so I guess I’m glad to be moving and I’m glad they’re not my damn chairs.
I was a mess earlier from my difficult day and the message I got but now I feel like you guys have given me the biggest hug. I feel so blessed. Thank you. For every negative word, you all give me a million positive ones.
paradise-won replied to your post: anonymous said:(1/3) I’m sorry th…
Are you deleting or just changing? I will miss you if you’re leaving. But you have to do what’s best for yourself x
I’ve been considering deleting for a while but I’ve decided against it. I think my blog has transitioning over the course of the past few years from a pure inspirational blog, to incorporating my early recovery and weight restoration/meal plan, then the roller coaster of lapses and recommitments, and now on to the further parts of recovery that involve self exploration. I still blog about a lot of the different facets of recovery, including the inspiration, food, and body image, but things have certainly evolved over the years. I hope my followers will understand this and I’m happy to be sharing this part of my journey. I can share more of who I am outside of my eating disorder with you all now. <3
"I don't think it's anything personal I just think it's because you're still quite thin and it can be a little triggering for some people I guess" With love, Anonymous.
I guess so? I tag all my personal pics with julespic so people can block the tag if they want, but I want people to do whatever they need to do to be safe. It feels like, crazy because I’m really in a good place right now in terms of my ED, so it’s hard to imagine people perceiving things that way. Oh well. Sorry to be a downer. I do want people to do absolutely whatever they need to do in order to be safe and healthy. I’m not perfect in terms of not taking anything at all personally. I want to be a good influence. I want to be good to all my followers. But I also want to post about my life and stuff. I’m not my best always, especially after my nighttime meds.
Other people, please don’t use this as an opportunity to say what you think about my body, etc.
I lose an average of 2 followers per selfie and I’m not sure why but I’m gonna keep doing my selfie thing.
My coworker surprised me with my very favorite cupcake (oreo cream from Party Favors, in case yall want to deliver them to my door) today out of the blue. It made me feel so good that she remembered that it was my favorite and that she wanted to make me happy just because. She doesn’t know about my eating disorder and it reminded me that people use food as a way to care for each other and show that they are thinking of you. It was a good reminder.
Welcome to my millionth cupcake selfie. It’s super hot, I know.