Anatomy of Recovery


Pro-Recovery
I'm Jules, a 23 year old recent college graduate, currently working and applying for grad school. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa when I was 14. I'm 100% committed to recovery because I know how amazing it can be. This blog is about my journey and any help and inspiration I can offer others on their own journeys.
I tag all my personal pics "julespic" so that you can block the tag if you find them triggering. I also tag all photos of food with the "food" tag in case they are triggering to you.

Ask Me Anything


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Theme by @yosoyprincesa.

The nighttime is when I’m most regretful that I’m not easier to love.  I tell you to leave when I really want you to stay.

I’m boarding to fly back to Boston in 15 mins.  I’m not sure wether to call that home or this home.  In any case, they don’t feed me on the plane so I have a big Jamba smoothie to keep me going.  I love that BWI has yummy restaurants now and that they guarantee that the prices are the same as outside the airport.  It makes me feel a lot more comfortable that I can get a lot of different foods and food groups so I’m not stuck with only fast food, although sometimes I would still choose that.  I still think it’s super important to pack snacks though.

I’m boarding to fly back to Boston in 15 mins. I’m not sure wether to call that home or this home. In any case, they don’t feed me on the plane so I have a big Jamba smoothie to keep me going. I love that BWI has yummy restaurants now and that they guarantee that the prices are the same as outside the airport. It makes me feel a lot more comfortable that I can get a lot of different foods and food groups so I’m not stuck with only fast food, although sometimes I would still choose that. I still think it’s super important to pack snacks though.

Isn’t it pretty disordered for us to care so much about how much everyone else is eating or is being forced to eat?  I know the eating disorder cares deeply and it can be really easy to be pulled into when it becomes an intellectual debate.  If someone else’s intake posts are going to make you upset and have you question whether you’re recovering “correctly,” then you may wish to reconsider the material you view online.  I have mixed feelings about telling people to trust their medical professionals without question because I’ve received some appalling and harmful medical care for my eating disorder over the years, but at the same time no one’s blog should be telling you what to eat.

Making your own judgement calls based on scientific data is tricky for those without a high level of scientific literacy and eating disorders can convince us to hear what we want to hear.  I feel like the medical system needs to overhaul the way they treat eating disorders and use a more evidence-based approach, but where does that leave everyone else in the meantime?  Care can often be spotty.  My ideal situation ended up being in a good relationship with a very competent nutritionist who was just as much of a skeptic and a scientist as I am.  But that’s extremely hard to find (it took me four failed nutritionists) and doesn’t work for anyone.

I know that with recovery, people often feel like they have to throw themselves headlong into what they’re doing because questioning it would mean opening up a door for the ED thoughts to get in.  It becomes deeply personal because criticizing someone on a personal level for what they’re doing can really shake the forward momentum that they’ve built up and question what they are forcing to be their core beliefs in order to get through the day.

These are just a few of my thoughts on everything.  

OOTD… fancy to fly.  I’m going to the airport this afternoon to fly back to Mass. after visiting my family.  I survived the visit!

OOTD… fancy to fly.  I’m going to the airport this afternoon to fly back to Mass. after visiting my family.  I survived the visit!

just personal stuff

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That awkward moment when your body obsessions and dysmorphia suddenly focus intently on your shoes/feet/socks.  When it’s not weight/shape it’s sneakers?  Really, brain?

Sorry about everything guys :/

I can’t entirely explain it entirely.

"I'm glad u decided to keep the sneakers! I know that whenever I see people with jobs that involve being on their feet a lot, I don't begrudge them comfy footwear at all! Everyone who'll see u will totally understand that the shoes are part of ur job & comfort & not to make a fashion statement:) also, I feel awkward wearing sneakers with jeans too & I found that I like them alot better if I roll up my jeans a couple times?(Just something easy u can try & see if u like! &btw I love the blue ones!)" With love, Anonymous.

I now I feel like everyone is going to be looking at me and just thinking about my job and how it’s sad that I have to look awkward for my profession rather than looking at me and thinking that my outfit is cute or whatever.  It’s not like the kind of job where people are like, you’re wearing scrubs so of course you can wear sneakers or you’re working outside or something.  Can I just be invisible yet please :(

I’m sorry.  I really appreciate your kindness.  I’m being ridiculous.

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darkestnation replied to your post: I am having a wee freak out because my…

My friends and a lot of people in work I know wear sneakers with non-sporty clothes. Your health is more important than style. Care to model for us?

Haha, sure!

I decided to keep them afterall.  I’m just going to deal with my discomfort with the idea of them.  Thanks to everyone who put up with my ridiculous freak out.  Here are the gray shoes, and I’ve worn them out of the house so I can’t return them now!  I don’t usually wear jeans…

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B made me a mixtape and he said that this was the song that was the with the most important message for me on it:

Well I met an old man dying on a train.
No more destination, no more pain.
Well he said one thing, before I graduate
"Never let your fear decide your fate."

I say ya kill your heroes and fly, fly, baby don’t cry.
No need to worry ‘cause, everybody will die.
Every day we just go, go, baby don’t go.
Don’t you worry we love you more than you know.

Well the sun one day will
Leave us all behind.
Unexplainable sightings
In the sky.
Well I hate to be
The one to ruin the night.
Right before your, right before your eyes.

Well I met an old man dying on a train.
No more destination, no more pain.
Well he said one thing, before I graduate
"Never let your fear decide your fate."

I am having a wee freak out because my mom generously bought me two pairs of expensive sneakers to wear to work in because standing for 8 hours a day without sitting is killing my feet and back but HIDEOUS and EMBARRASSED when I wear sneakers.  I think it goes back to middle school when I had really ugly white sneakers and they looked awful with everything.  And everyone teased me for how ugly and awkward I was.  My style is not sporty at all so I feel like they are going to look weird and dumb with everything.  I have nothing to wear them with and they are going to make me look dumb and clunky and awkward.  I feel guilty also because they are expensive and I will feel terrible if I don’t wear them and I already feel terrible just because she bought them for me.  I want to go return them right now but if I end up needing to get sneakers later, I’ll have to buy them with my own money and I can’t afford that.  So I am panicking and crying about sneakers.  Like, I can’t wear t-shirts to work so everything is going to look too formal to go with sneakers without looking terrible.  I mostly wear dresses.  This is awful and I’m an ungrateful brat.

Should I keep these?  What should I do?

itsbetterthananal:

im waiting for the day i can use this as a reaction image and confuse everyone for a good 5-30 seconds before they get it

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I actually own this exact bra and my boyfriend was so excited about it that he convinced me to let him post about it on reddit with a photo.  It’s not the kind of excited response I really was anticipating when I took my shirt off.
And that’s my story of the day.

(via belyenochi)

The Nightly Cute Report: Day 9

The Nightly Cute Report: Day 9

Holding on to joy

Holding on to joy

A note to followers:

I really sympathize with folks who send messages for me to post asking for everyone to send support to another user.  I decided a while ago not to post these messages because I don’t feel comfortable sharing information about someone or drawing attention to them without them asking me to do so.  I really think it’s kind of you to be doing and I’m sure a lot of people really appreciate the messages; I’m just not comfortable participating.  

I care about all of you and anyone can message me if they need support or want help with supporting a friend <3

I did the Chloe stink eye before Chloe was even born.

Two year old me was not amused.