And then I also ate ice cream in my bikini because I refuse to live a limited life.

I have decided to go to the pool party after all even though my gastroparisis is back and I’ve gained.

I actually think that I look kind of acceptable.  I don’t look “anorexic” anymore by a longshot but maybe I can still look okay?  Photos under the read more.

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Fuck.

Senior week.  Too much drinking.  Eating at weird times makes my digestion stop.  I have never weighed this much in my life.  Trying to stave off a melt down.

Do you know the size of people just by looking at them ? I don’t , the lady was trying to help you , your disorder made you take it perosonally but i’m sure she really just was trying to help you.

and the woman telling you had a nice figure probably was just telling the truth. You are beautiful, accept the body you were created with :-) and congratulations on your internship :)

I am entirely aware that she was just trying to help me, which is why it upset me so much.  I felt like if a random person trying to help me out thinks I’m that big, it must really be true.  I always want to know what other people think when they see me because my team tells me that it’s much different from how I see myself, but I felt like this was confirmation that it wasn’t true. 

Again, I went on with my day, so I’m beyond it now, but it was really terrifying at the time.

Thank you for your kind response.

I went to Goodwill to shop for work clothes to wear to my new internship (and whatever comes after).  Clothing shopping has been a bit rough recently and has frequently sent me into tailspins.  

I was looking at the suits and this woman who was also shopping asked me if I was looking at suits, and I said yes.  Somehow she decided to be my personal shopping assistant and start pulling things for me to try, without asking my size.  I felt my head start screaming because she was pulling sizes that were larger than my actual size and she thought I was 4 inches shorter than I am.

 I freaked out because it was like a confirmation that other people really do see me as being just as fat as I see myself.

Somehow, I managed not to cry in the store, though.  I made it through the rest of the shopping trip and even tried things on after that.  I didn’t manage any pants, but I got some other things that I can wear and feel good in.  Also, some woman when I was leaving the Goodwill approached me and said, “Now, don’t think I’m a lesbian or something, but you have a fantastic figure!”

WTF people.

By some sort of cosmic joke, I have passed Physics with a B!  This means I can graduate for real!

1. I am convinced that I am too much for people to want to deal with from the start. 
2. I shut people out and clearly keep myself from opening up.
3. When they push me to open up, I open up too much to prove to them that they shouldn’t want to be with me because I am too much to handle.
4. They feel good that I have opened up to them and feel strongly about our relationship.
5. Repeat step 3 until person believes I am too much to handle and needs space.
6. Take request for space as complete rejection and become too embarrassed to talk to the person again.
7. Look for reassurance from them anyway.

Would it help to look at other people’s pictures and how they aren’t perfect (because nobody is, really)? I did that for my linkedin picture.

It’s not so much that I think that the picture needs to be perfect.  I looked at the pictures that past interns have posted and it’s really not about us being pretty.  It’s mainly that in order to go through my photos to find one for the website, I have to wade through an ocean of photos of different weights, including low weight pictures.

AHHHHHHGHHHH!  Run away!!!  Ahhhhhh!

It’s been a while since a meds post, and for the first time I feel like we’re really getting somewhere.

• 100 mg Amitriptyline
• 1 mg Clonazepam
• 30 mg Propanolol
• 150 mg Lamictal

I’ve been on the Amitriptyline for a bit over a year now.  I didn’t notice a lot of effects solely from this med.  It also gives me tremors, which are not ideal.  We are discussing tapering off this medication, but not until I’ve transitioned out of college and am stable.

The clonazepam doesn’t seem to do as much for me as it does for other people.  It’ll knock me out if I’m dangerously worked up, but only in fairly high doses.  I usually take it at night before I go to sleep rather than during the day.

The propranolol has been the surprise success.  It is a beta blocker that is sometimes used to treat anxiety.  Usually, it’s a cardiac med.  Since I have an unexplained heart condition due to my genetic disorder (Ehlers-danlos syndrome), my resting pulse is about 125 bpm.  One day on this medication and it was 80 bpm.  I feel SO different with this medication.  Physically, my anxiety response just isn’t as strong.  It allows me to stop myself from getting physically cranked up for anxiety.  I feel infinitely better during my day when I am on this medication.

The other resounding success is the Lamictal.  It’s the first medication that I have been on for bipolar depression, not just depression.  Previously, I had been on every SSRI currently on the market, and the tricyclic amitriptyline.  This medication was a bit of a long-shot because it’s an epilepsy drug that was recently approved to treat the depression part of bipolar 2.  I don’t have that as a definitive diagnosis, but since no other antidepressants had worked for me, we decided to give it a try despite the possible severe side effects.  I have noticed a very perceptible shift in my mood.  My energy level is up, my outlook is much more positive.  I get anxious about things, but instead of becoming lethargic and paralyzed  I get things done.  I am much less fearful of change and much less focused on making decisions based on comfort rather than desire.  I am much less troubled by disordered thoughts and I have been able to move forward in therapy.  I am so glad that my psychiatrist was willing to look for other medication options when others had not.

I just finished my last day of college classes!  I can’t believe I made it here!

I know that it’s not actually backwards motion— just learning to respond in new ways to a different stressor, but I feel like I’m years back in terms of my mental health.  It sucks.  I just want to feel good again.

TW under the read more

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Recovery buddies go to the sheep shearing festival…

Another Thursday, another trip to the nutritionist.  I am going to continue to pretend that we are having spring weather until it comes true.  Also, I just bought my Boston Calling weekend ticket!!!!  I am justifying the purchase with the fact that I’ve been working as a tutor for AP bio in order to earn some extra money.  Also, a graduation present to myself for making it through!

Are you in downtown Boston too? I’m assuming it’s probably just the norm, but I’m noticing it more because of what’s been going on. It’s freaky.

I live in one of the suburbs near where the gunfight was last week, so we don’t usually get a lot of sirens.  I am assuming that everything is okay because the university hasn’t sent us a text alert.