Anatomy of Recovery


Pro-Recovery
I'm Jules, a 23 year old recent college graduate, currently working and applying for grad school. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa when I was 14. I'm 100% committed to recovery because I know how amazing it can be. This blog is about my journey and any help and inspiration I can offer others on their own journeys.
I tag all my personal pics "julespic" so that you can block the tag if you find them triggering. I also tag all photos of food with the "food" tag in case they are triggering to you.

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I had a free birthday drink on my Starbucks card, so naturally I got the biggest one possible since it was free.  I’m really exhausted with the hours I’ve been working.  I just want a day to curl up in bed.  I have been having a lot of food, hunger, and body anxiety, although I haven’t been acting on it.  It sucks to have that in my day.

I had a free birthday drink on my Starbucks card, so naturally I got the biggest one possible since it was free. I’m really exhausted with the hours I’ve been working. I just want a day to curl up in bed. I have been having a lot of food, hunger, and body anxiety, although I haven’t been acting on it. It sucks to have that in my day.

Simple vanilla cupcake selfie today. I brought in a dozen cupcakes for my coworkers yesterday since we were short staffed and running a special event.

How to tell my housemate who is going no-carb that I do not want his hand-me-down diet wraps that he can no longer eat?  He seems so psyched to give them to me, lol.

Honestly, going on my dash has become a bit of a minefield.  

I did Maudsley Method as a young teen under the advisement of a nutritionist, physician, therapist, psychiatrist, and family therapist.  My calorie ranges given by my nutritionist were similar to the ones mentioned for like the entire time I was in high school.  

There are a lot of generalizations going on and the rational part of my brain can separate things out but there’s part of my brain going “OMG EVERYONE KNEW YOU WERE FAT AS A TEENAGER AND JUST WASN’T TELLING YOU AND YOU REALLY COULDN’T TRUST THEM AFTER ALL.”

So, that feeling kind of sucks I guess.

Todayyyyy….

Tea and something called a french waffle?  I’m not sure what it was but it was a pastry from the local shop.  It was filled with candied almonds, buttercream, and strawberry jam.  I’m going in for a study visit tomorrow and maybe I’ll use that as a chance to update about that.  I’m feeling very scared about my body being out of control but I’m trying to let it be and let everything in my life be.  I want to sneak a peek at my chart tomorrow but I know I’ll just be devastated by what I see.  I’m not sure if knowing or not knowing currently feels more uncomfortable.  I’m feeling triggered by the fact that it was my birthday and I’m getting older, so I cried about that today.  It’s okay.  No behaviors.  Coping.  Etc.

I am constantly surrounded by images of thin, very young, white women, all over tumblr.  Even in indie images of coffee, apartments, style, hair, breakfast— everything.  

I reblog things I like to my other blog only to look at it and realize that there is no other representation in these carefree images.  

It’s toxic to see this as the default pretty, the casual beauty, the only beauty that we reblog without thinking about it.  

I feel like it reinforces the idea that only my body looking thin, white, and very young is acceptable, even in images that have nothing to do with the media or fashion.  If I’m seeing images of women flipping pancakes in the kitchen, lounging in pajamas, eating crepes with their hair falling effortlessly across their faces, holding hands with their partners, and reading the morning paper, and they all have this thing that I need to stop pursuing, I feel like I cease to exist in the world at all.  It’s not that these bodies are wrong at all.  It’s just that it’s exclusive of so many people.

We need more representation.  We need the random reblogs and the random pretty to be so much more than this.  I need to do a better job of finding these images and we all need to do a better job of increasing representation.

Dear Tumblr,

Please don’t send me messages with your weight and caloric intake.  I don’t post numbers, these messages are triggering often enabling, and I’m not a medical professional, only a biologist.  You can communicate your feelings without numbers, and that is a skill that will serve you well in your recovery.

Much love,

Jules

I don’t end up answering most of the survey things people tag me in because I’m too shy to tag other people.

"What did the boyfriend say? :/ im so sorry bbg" With love, Anonymous.

Lots of things.  That I don’t listen to him when he tells me that I’m not eating enough or whatever.  That I don’t take things seriously and he doesn’t understand why.  That I know I’m full of shit and am lying to him on purpose.  That he’s always scared that I’m one crisis away from outright starving myself.  That I need to make more of a commitment to being all the way better for good.  That it was unacceptable for me to maintain below a certain weight or lose weight at all.  That I’m too smart to have this problem and that I’m going to probably feel really stupid and embarrassed when I think about how long this took 10 years from now (newsflash: I am already embarrassed).  That maybe he’ll never trust me all the way and that he feels like he has to take care of me.

This was a truly spiritual experience for me.  I’ve been waiting 10 years for this show.  They were amazing live and you could hear even more depth live than you can on the album because it was recorded with such lo-fi equipment.  I missed “Oh Comely” but the set was wonderfully long and I didn’t stop moving for the whole thing.  Love, love, love.

This was a truly spiritual experience for me.  I’ve been waiting 10 years for this show.  They were amazing live and you could hear even more depth live than you can on the album because it was recorded with such lo-fi equipment.  I missed “Oh Comely” but the set was wonderfully long and I didn’t stop moving for the whole thing.  Love, love, love.

That extreme hunger thing though…

Officially approved to go on my vacation!

Now we just have to pick a spot and book it. :)

Gotta get in some Dairy Queen ice cream before the summer ends!!!
Also, I’ve been working crazy hours and missing out on relaxation time with B since we are always being productive or nearly asleep from being tired when we get to hang out.  SO!  We have decided to take a weekend vacation!  I’m very excited about this idea.  I’ve never done something like this before.  It feels very self-care-y and also relationship-care-y.

Gotta get in some Dairy Queen ice cream before the summer ends!!!

Also, I’ve been working crazy hours and missing out on relaxation time with B since we are always being productive or nearly asleep from being tired when we get to hang out.  SO!  We have decided to take a weekend vacation!  I’m very excited about this idea.  I’ve never done something like this before.  It feels very self-care-y and also relationship-care-y.

Turning 24 means that I was diagnosed with anorexia 10 years ago.

Wow.  Okay.  So maybe this is the year that I really fix stuff for good?

A quiet birthday celebration with B and another cupcake selfie (not really a selfie since B took it)