Anatomy of Recovery


Pro-Recovery
I'm Jules, a 23 year old recent college graduate, currently working and applying for grad school. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa when I was 14. I'm 100% committed to recovery because I know how amazing it can be. This blog is about my journey and any help and inspiration I can offer others on their own journeys.
I tag all my personal pics "julespic" so that you can block the tag if you find them triggering. I also tag all photos of food with the "food" tag in case they are triggering to you.

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Theme by @yosoyprincesa.

Excuse my fails at sassiness.  Today was a long day.

Transitions are hard.  Like, really hard for me.  I have 13 days left at my current job right now.  I didn’t really stand up for my needs because I didn’t want to screw over my coworkers and so now I’m working in the evenings while I train for my new job in a few weeks.  All this is boring, I guess.  I feel like learning to live is just as much a part of recovery as fear foods and weigh-ins but no one probably wants to hear about it.  I had crepes for breakfast for no particular reason except that I felt like it.  I’m approved for accommodations to take the GRE.

Me to the boyfriend: Ahhh accidently on a thinspo blog,
1-800-OOPS-THINSPO!!!
Boyfriend: Oh no, but that's more than 10 numbers for a phone number.
Me: It's thinspo. None of the numbers are real.

Life etc.

I can’t wait until I have a normal schedule at my new job.  I really feel like I need that in order to move forward with my mental and physical health.  Tomorrow is bogo frappuccino day, so there’s always that to look forward to…

Customer sized for an item which I warn them runs really small…Is sized as my size, coincidentally… Gets upset… Says she guesses she needs to start throwing up or something… Then says people who wear the smallest size must be freaks.
Good job, customer. You win my shit of the day award!

Hello Friends!

I apologize for being MIA recently.  I had some stuff going on that I had to keep private for professional reasons.  But that means that I have a big announcement!!

I have a new job!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m going to be doing audiology testing on newborns at a hospital.  I’m so excited and happy but everything has been very stressful to get to this point and quitting was not fun for anyone.  I feel like adulthood is hitting me hard in the face with these tough choices but I also feel very capable right now.  My anxiety level has been so, so, so intolerably high with all of this going on and I’m hoping to get some relief soon, especially as my new job will have better hours and schedules.  I’m super psyched to get to wear scrubs, lol!

Sending all my love and kisses,

Jules

So, what if I never want to wear an underwire bra again?  Like, even when my boobs get bigger?  I feel like not wearing one actually decreases my pain level.

"What is your biggest bersek button? What infuriates you to the point of yelling?" With love, Anonymous.

Haha, um, well, I feel like arming an internet with the potential use of the anon ask with what really sets me off is probably a bad plan!  I’m not really the type of person to yell, honestly.  One time I yelled about vaginas on the internet.  I guess people giving manipulative, intentionally false, or twisted information really sets me off.  As a scientific person, I take offense when people try to use facts or false info to manipulate people and things.  Idk.

Here, followers.  Have this blurry picture of me un-sexily biting my lip with a delicious ice cream sundae.

Here, followers.  Have this blurry picture of me un-sexily biting my lip with a delicious ice cream sundae.

Pretty damn miserable today

I keep having the thought of like, “Do I really need this food?  Couldn’t I just not have it and that would be fine, because I’m more comfortable with the idea of denying myself something?  Not every single other person on earth would choose to have this food at this time, so I shouldn’t have it either.” but like… an eating disorder literally a DEADLY ILLNESS.  

Every time I’m presented with this dilemma, I need to remind myself that every time I choose not to eat because it would feel comfortable and safe, I am actually choosing death.  Every single choice, every single time.  When it’s like, have some cookies or death, the choice seems a bit easier for me to make.  Just some thoughts…

Ootd: Betsey Johnson princess dress from the thrift store, extreme body dissatisfaction, and a bit of this morning’s coffee.

I had a free birthday drink on my Starbucks card, so naturally I got the biggest one possible since it was free.  I’m really exhausted with the hours I’ve been working.  I just want a day to curl up in bed.  I have been having a lot of food, hunger, and body anxiety, although I haven’t been acting on it.  It sucks to have that in my day.

I had a free birthday drink on my Starbucks card, so naturally I got the biggest one possible since it was free. I’m really exhausted with the hours I’ve been working. I just want a day to curl up in bed. I have been having a lot of food, hunger, and body anxiety, although I haven’t been acting on it. It sucks to have that in my day.

Simple vanilla cupcake selfie today. I brought in a dozen cupcakes for my coworkers yesterday since we were short staffed and running a special event.

How to tell my housemate who is going no-carb that I do not want his hand-me-down diet wraps that he can no longer eat?  He seems so psyched to give them to me, lol.

Honestly, going on my dash has become a bit of a minefield.  

I did Maudsley Method as a young teen under the advisement of a nutritionist, physician, therapist, psychiatrist, and family therapist.  My calorie ranges given by my nutritionist were similar to the ones mentioned for like the entire time I was in high school.  

There are a lot of generalizations going on and the rational part of my brain can separate things out but there’s part of my brain going “OMG EVERYONE KNEW YOU WERE FAT AS A TEENAGER AND JUST WASN’T TELLING YOU AND YOU REALLY COULDN’T TRUST THEM AFTER ALL.”

So, that feeling kind of sucks I guess.