Last night and today have been really incredibly rough due to relationship things. I wasn’t sure how to process my feelings or how to deal with their intensity. I ended up leaving the situation to go for a walk by myself to get coffee. Then I practiced “feeling naming” to sort out my emotions and keep myself from directing all of my negative feelings inwards. I Was coping with SH and ED urges. I am not a happy camper but I feel good about how I dealt with and expressed my feelings today.
Ask me anything and I’ll respond with one sentence, only for the next hour!
Personal, random, recovery, etc.
Please, I’m stuck on campus with just my phone to entertain me :)
Waiting for the train and then commuting for an hour this time! Ask anything!!
I tried Trader Joe’s silver dollar pancakes for the first time today, and they were yummy and easy to prepare.
TW positive but some weight/food talk without numbers
I am trying to practice the art of letting go. The art of letting go. Letting go. I need to let go to get rid of this all.
I was complaining to the boyfriend about my extreme hunger and he sent back this image with the message:
Taking things in my life to classy new highs, by which I mean being a mess in ever- new and surprising ways. It is starting to make sense that my Ed symptoms are self-medicating for bipolar 2, as suggested by my psychiatrist. When I cut down on symptom use, other erratic behaviors increase. I feel stuck because b wants me to get better and do meal plan/weight gain/etc. but I think he didn’t understand how messy things get. It’s a lot for a person to deal with but I need to be loved and I also need to get my behavior under control. I’m not sure that I can fix the ED stuff while not driving everyone away and wrecking lot of other things in my life. Anorexia feels tidy compared to this messy but important struggle.
The boyfriend has just vowed to start going for runs again and I know it shouldn’t matter what other people do with their bodies. Its just that in never going to be able to go for funds because of my disability and I’m just going to sit here gaining and not running like a potato while he “gets back in shape” along with everyone else and it feels unfair and I want to cry.
I don’t think so because it was a submission rather than an actual message. It might be that I’m just not seeing a way because I’m on my phone and not my computer. Let me know if you guys have more info.
Whatever spam blog just sent me this can go fuck themselves tbh.
(I cut out the actual image and URL)
I had hot stone bowl Bibimbap for dinner with a friend who was in my old ED group after we spent the afternoon decorating Valentine’s Day cookies. I’m so incredibly pleased to have a quiet evening to myself to devour this book, which I picked up at the library booksale.
Update on the nacho rant.
I cried, then went and got nachos with B, then ate nachos, then cried some more.
This is a photo of me and nachos.
Thank you both. I really appreciate hearing all of these things and it makes me feel much less alone. I am not sure how to process this grief. I feel like I’m the only 23 year old who has grown up their whole life in a relationship that has now just been deleted. I don’t know anything about breakups. I try to talk about it in therapy but we get nowhere. I end up leaving feeling more shitty than I felt when I got there, and not in a way that means I’m getting anywhere with the grief. Sorry to be venting about this here right now. I know that’s not what people follow my blog for.
Late night crushing sadness about P and our breakup. I’ll probably try to text him again tomorrow since it’s been about a month since I last tried. This is so painful and hits me out of nowhere like a freight train and fills me with the most fiery self-hatred.
It’s so interesting that so many other people have had this experience also! For me, anxiety meds like klonopin did nothing but propranolol, which is a beta blocker that I take for my heart, seems to make a huge improvement in how often it happens.
People mainly think I’m cold and try to give me their jackets -_-