don’t delete it, your beautiful <3

Aw, thanks hon!  I’m a bit wary about posting pictures of my face permanently on my blog because people in “real life” don’t read it.

I got to go to the Boston Calling music festival this past weekend with four of my closes friends.  It was a completely amazing experience.  The Shins, Young the Giant, Fun., and Rah Rah Riot were all transcendent.  We all stayed at a friend’s house who lived close to the train to the concert.  I realized at some point that I wouldn’t have been able to do this a year ago.  Even when I was technically in recovery and eating my meal plan, it would have been completely impossible for me to go into a three day stretch when I would be eating other people’s food and festival food.  The thought would have sent me into a total panic.  If I had still been sick, there wouldn’t have been any chance at all that I would have gone.  It was cold and wet, and I would have had to stand all day for two days, which my body was just not capable of handling.  I also woulld never have put myself into a position without access to my safe foods and where people were present at every time I ate.  I’m so happy that I’m here and not there.  So happy.

I am working on intuitive eating. One of the challenges is that I can’t estimate how much food I want to eat before I start eating. I can tell when I am hungry or full but “my eyes are bigger than my stomach” and I often find myself wasting food because I get full. I’m not really sure how to estimate better except for with practice.
Food for brunch:
1 slice bread with raspberry jam
1 slice toast with cheese, 2 eggs
Ruby red chai with honey, almond milk

Oh.My.God.  What.Is.Going.On  How.Did.I.Get.Here?  What.Am.I.Doing.With.My.Life? AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I had to miss out on meeting friends for lunch and to say goodbye for the last time before everyone leaves after graduation because I have a nutritionist appointment.  I’m in one of those moods where I really despise having to do treatment things.  I got in trouble in nutrition a few weeks ago for not wanting to open up and I’m afraid today is going to be another bitchy day.

I’m graduating today! It’s been rough at times but I made it through. I might not be getting the honors other people are getting, but I’m alive and proud.

And then I also ate ice cream in my bikini because I refuse to live a limited life.

I have decided to go to the pool party after all even though my gastroparisis is back and I’ve gained.

I actually think that I look kind of acceptable.  I don’t look “anorexic” anymore by a longshot but maybe I can still look okay?  Photos under the read more.

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Fuck.

Senior week.  Too much drinking.  Eating at weird times makes my digestion stop.  I have never weighed this much in my life.  Trying to stave off a melt down.

Do you know the size of people just by looking at them ? I don’t , the lady was trying to help you , your disorder made you take it perosonally but i’m sure she really just was trying to help you.

and the woman telling you had a nice figure probably was just telling the truth. You are beautiful, accept the body you were created with :-) and congratulations on your internship :)

I am entirely aware that she was just trying to help me, which is why it upset me so much.  I felt like if a random person trying to help me out thinks I’m that big, it must really be true.  I always want to know what other people think when they see me because my team tells me that it’s much different from how I see myself, but I felt like this was confirmation that it wasn’t true. 

Again, I went on with my day, so I’m beyond it now, but it was really terrifying at the time.

Thank you for your kind response.

I went to Goodwill to shop for work clothes to wear to my new internship (and whatever comes after).  Clothing shopping has been a bit rough recently and has frequently sent me into tailspins.  

I was looking at the suits and this woman who was also shopping asked me if I was looking at suits, and I said yes.  Somehow she decided to be my personal shopping assistant and start pulling things for me to try, without asking my size.  I felt my head start screaming because she was pulling sizes that were larger than my actual size and she thought I was 4 inches shorter than I am.

 I freaked out because it was like a confirmation that other people really do see me as being just as fat as I see myself.

Somehow, I managed not to cry in the store, though.  I made it through the rest of the shopping trip and even tried things on after that.  I didn’t manage any pants, but I got some other things that I can wear and feel good in.  Also, some woman when I was leaving the Goodwill approached me and said, “Now, don’t think I’m a lesbian or something, but you have a fantastic figure!”

WTF people.

By some sort of cosmic joke, I have passed Physics with a B!  This means I can graduate for real!

1. I am convinced that I am too much for people to want to deal with from the start. 
2. I shut people out and clearly keep myself from opening up.
3. When they push me to open up, I open up too much to prove to them that they shouldn’t want to be with me because I am too much to handle.
4. They feel good that I have opened up to them and feel strongly about our relationship.
5. Repeat step 3 until person believes I am too much to handle and needs space.
6. Take request for space as complete rejection and become too embarrassed to talk to the person again.
7. Look for reassurance from them anyway.

Would it help to look at other people’s pictures and how they aren’t perfect (because nobody is, really)? I did that for my linkedin picture.

It’s not so much that I think that the picture needs to be perfect.  I looked at the pictures that past interns have posted and it’s really not about us being pretty.  It’s mainly that in order to go through my photos to find one for the website, I have to wade through an ocean of photos of different weights, including low weight pictures.