Anatomy of Recovery


Pro-Recovery
I'm Jules, a 22 year old recent college graduate. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa when I was 14. I'm 100% committed to recovery because I know how amazing it can be. This blog is about my journey and any help and inspiration I can offer others on their own journeys.
I tag all my personal pics "julespic" so that you can block the tag if you find them triggering. I also tag all photos of food with the "food" tag in case they are triggering to you.

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Theme by @yosoyprincesa.

I super want to post my new glasses selfies because I’m in loveeee with them but that’s a lot of my face to be un-private on my blog…

tw.

I’m going to a mini high school reunion for the small school I attended for 8th and 9th grades and they have been posting some old photos to the facebook group.  I just came across one from 8th grade which was taken either several days before or several days after my disordered eating started.  I don’t have many photos from around that time and I guess I was expecting to feel what a lot of people on here seem to feel: that I didn’t look as big as I thought I did.  But I do think I looked too big.  Even though I was much lower than an average percentile weight.  How could I still judge my 13 year old’s body this way?  My brain is saying that I mustn’t ever get to that percentile again (it’s higher than I’ve ever been post-ed in terms of percentile but not number).

I’m also realizing that the people I’ll be seeing are pretty much the only people who saw me fall apart and get sick, then do treatment and gain weight the time I was sick at 13/14.  I’m no longer certain that I want to see them.  None of these feelings came up for me before I saw the photo.

I just splurged on a secondary pair of glasses, this time from Warby Parker.  They were only $96 and they also send a pair to someone in need.  I feel a bit guilty for the splurge, because I do have a pair of working glasses but I wear glasses every single day and I’d love to feel pretty every day too.  I feel like they’re on my face every day, and my eyes are what people see the most, so maybe glasses are the kind of thing that are worth splurging on.  I could wear contact lenses now that I don’t live with cats anymore, but somehow glasse feel more “me.”

SO, YAY!  They’ll be here in like 7 days :)

I asked him if things might have turned out differently if I hadn’t gotten sick again.
He said probably not.
But once things are spoiled, you can’t go back and unspoil them.

My first purchase on my first credit card— an Oreo doughnut from Dunks. It’s yummy and I feel like this makes me a true Bostonian. No guilt doughnut day!

A list of people give any fucks if I’ve gained a pound excluding myself: 

  • Nobody
  • No one
  • Not really anybody

  • Still not a single person

My therapist doesn’t think it would be a good idea for me to move up to full time employment in the fall.  I want to be supporting myself entirely and gaining more responsibilities at work but I’ll also be taking the GRE, taking Stats, applying to graduate school, trying not to aggravate my Ehlers Danlos issues through the constant standing, doing physical therapy, doing regular therapy, and trying to feed myself/maintain my mental health.

But I feel like other people do it, so what if I’m just weak-willed.

Sometimes I yell about things on the internet.  And sometimes those things are vaginas.

I need to get back on the “regular grocery shopping for all the food groups” bandwagon because my grocery shopping has been seriously lacking in frequency and quality lately.

"Fat = find another feeling" With love, Anonymous.

Yeah, I agree to a certain extent.  Sometimes feeling fat means that I’m feeling a panoply of emotions that are hard to suss out in a coherent manner.  It’s easier to fall back on “fat.”  This can lead to the unpleasant but mentally driven sensation of fat being all over my body and suffocating me.  This is when I need to find another feeling and address what’s really going on with me emotionally.

However, sometimes I feel fat.  It’s usually because I’m wearing a bikini and feeling my stomach touch itself or feeling my thighs spread out on the seat of a bus.  Sometimes it’s an uncomfortably tight bra cutting into my skin or a new bodily sensation that has to do with weight gain.  All of these things can be tuned out or re-assessed as normal ways that bodies can be experienced, but they are grounded in the experience of having a body, especially one that is changing.  It’s not finding another feeling because it really is about my body in this case.  It’s about sitting with the experience of bodily change and not letting it rule my life.  I am hyperaware of bodily sensations and have problems with sensory integration.

My experience of feeling fat is both from the mind and from the body, and naturally they are somewhat connected.  Both require therapy and growth.

I’m perversely afraid to ever post about not feeling fat because I feel like people will judge that and send me messages telling me that I’m wrong and I should feel fat.  But you guys are really great and I shouldn’t be so afraid.  There’s just a lot of hate out there sometimes.

It was mostly cloudy at the beach, but we enjoyed it nonetheless.  I climbed down the rocks to the ocean and just sat there for a really long time.  
"Going to the beach" is such a loaded concept between feeling fat, being aware of the more visible effects of my genetic disorder, and my SH scars.  I have to say that I really don’t give a fuck about people seeing my old scars and I think a lot of that has to do with professional mentors who also have them.  They teach me how to be an adult with a past and let go of my concern about them.
I also don’t feel that I look fat in like 90% of the pictures, which is shocking.
I was able to spend most of the day focused on enjoying myself and not worry about body concerns.  My food choices were governed by taste and not by fear.
I’ll also note that I’m much more comfortable completely naked in bed, about to have sex, than I am in a bikini in the harsh sunlight of a beach.

It was mostly cloudy at the beach, but we enjoyed it nonetheless.  I climbed down the rocks to the ocean and just sat there for a really long time.  

"Going to the beach" is such a loaded concept between feeling fat, being aware of the more visible effects of my genetic disorder, and my SH scars.  I have to say that I really don’t give a fuck about people seeing my old scars and I think a lot of that has to do with professional mentors who also have them.  They teach me how to be an adult with a past and let go of my concern about them.

I also don’t feel that I look fat in like 90% of the pictures, which is shocking.

I was able to spend most of the day focused on enjoying myself and not worry about body concerns.  My food choices were governed by taste and not by fear.

I’ll also note that I’m much more comfortable completely naked in bed, about to have sex, than I am in a bikini in the harsh sunlight of a beach.

Tbqh, sometimes just the thought of never having to deal with another treatment team is enough to keep me from relapsing.

One more 9 hour shift, then I’m headed off to the beach ( and wearing a bikini!)

One more 9 hour shift, then I’m headed off to the beach ( and wearing a bikini!)

Yet another cupcake selfie.  I am sensing a pattern here.

Yet another cupcake selfie.  I am sensing a pattern here.