Tea and something called a french waffle? I’m not sure what it was but it was a pastry from the local shop. It was filled with candied almonds, buttercream, and strawberry jam. I’m going in for a study visit tomorrow and maybe I’ll use that as a chance to update about that. I’m feeling very scared about my body being out of control but I’m trying to let it be and let everything in my life be. I want to sneak a peek at my chart tomorrow but I know I’ll just be devastated by what I see. I’m not sure if knowing or not knowing currently feels more uncomfortable. I’m feeling triggered by the fact that it was my birthday and I’m getting older, so I cried about that today. It’s okay. No behaviors. Coping. Etc.
I am constantly surrounded by images of thin, very young, white women, all over tumblr. Even in indie images of coffee, apartments, style, hair, breakfast— everything.
I reblog things I like to my other blog only to look at it and realize that there is no other representation in these carefree images.
It’s toxic to see this as the default pretty, the casual beauty, the only beauty that we reblog without thinking about it.
I feel like it reinforces the idea that only my body looking thin, white, and very young is acceptable, even in images that have nothing to do with the media or fashion. If I’m seeing images of women flipping pancakes in the kitchen, lounging in pajamas, eating crepes with their hair falling effortlessly across their faces, holding hands with their partners, and reading the morning paper, and they all have this thing that I need to stop pursuing, I feel like I cease to exist in the world at all. It’s not that these bodies are wrong at all. It’s just that it’s exclusive of so many people.
We need more representation. We need the random reblogs and the random pretty to be so much more than this. I need to do a better job of finding these images and we all need to do a better job of increasing representation.
Please don’t send me messages with your weight and caloric intake. I don’t post numbers, these messages are triggering often enabling, and I’m not a medical professional, only a biologist. You can communicate your feelings without numbers, and that is a skill that will serve you well in your recovery.
I don’t end up answering most of the survey things people tag me in because I’m too shy to tag other people.
"What did the boyfriend say? :/ im so sorry bbg" With love, Anonymous.
Lots of things. That I don’t listen to him when he tells me that I’m not eating enough or whatever. That I don’t take things seriously and he doesn’t understand why. That I know I’m full of shit and am lying to him on purpose. That he’s always scared that I’m one crisis away from outright starving myself. That I need to make more of a commitment to being all the way better for good. That it was unacceptable for me to maintain below a certain weight or lose weight at all. That I’m too smart to have this problem and that I’m going to probably feel really stupid and embarrassed when I think about how long this took 10 years from now (newsflash: I am already embarrassed). That maybe he’ll never trust me all the way and that he feels like he has to take care of me.
This was a truly spiritual experience for me. I’ve been waiting 10 years for this show. They were amazing live and you could hear even more depth live than you can on the album because it was recorded with such lo-fi equipment. I missed “Oh Comely” but the set was wonderfully long and I didn’t stop moving for the whole thing. Love, love, love.
That extreme hunger thing though…
Officially approved to go on my vacation!
Now we just have to pick a spot and book it. :)
Gotta get in some Dairy Queen ice cream before the summer ends!!!
Also, I’ve been working crazy hours and missing out on relaxation time with B since we are always being productive or nearly asleep from being tired when we get to hang out. SO! We have decided to take a weekend vacation! I’m very excited about this idea. I’ve never done something like this before. It feels very self-care-y and also relationship-care-y.
Turning 24 means that I was diagnosed with anorexia 10 years ago.
Wow. Okay. So maybe this is the year that I really fix stuff for good?
A quiet birthday celebration with B and another cupcake selfie (not really a selfie since B took it)
Professional? I really wish I had a day off. (I also end up hating how this skirt looks whenever I wear it and am generally having a crap-tastic body image day).
Please, please, please. It’s my birthday. I don’t want to spend my birthday feeling fat and guilty.
Also, I’m sexy in bed wearing my compression stockings because I have hella edema in my ankles/legs.
Let’s play Ehlers Danlos or Eating Disorder!
OOTD is more exciting when I don’t have most of my clothes or a mirror and still have to fit dress code. It’s looking a little silly. Yay.
Can I be done with moving yet? At least I bought food today to keep at work for my insane hours, so I can now have two meals and a snack at work, even if nothing else works out in my day. I got yogurts, kiwi, bagels from the real bagel place, lunchmeat, butter, banana bread, some trader joe’s frozen meals, odwalla supplement protein shakes, and chocolate covered sunflower seeds.