paradise-won replied to your post: anonymous said:(1/3) I’m sorry th…
Are you deleting or just changing? I will miss you if you’re leaving. But you have to do what’s best for yourself x
I’ve been considering deleting for a while but I’ve decided against it. I think my blog has transitioning over the course of the past few years from a pure inspirational blog, to incorporating my early recovery and weight restoration/meal plan, then the roller coaster of lapses and recommitments, and now on to the further parts of recovery that involve self exploration. I still blog about a lot of the different facets of recovery, including the inspiration, food, and body image, but things have certainly evolved over the years. I hope my followers will understand this and I’m happy to be sharing this part of my journey. I can share more of who I am outside of my eating disorder with you all now. <3
"I don't think it's anything personal I just think it's because you're still quite thin and it can be a little triggering for some people I guess" With love, Anonymous.
I guess so? I tag all my personal pics with julespic so people can block the tag if they want, but I want people to do whatever they need to do to be safe. It feels like, crazy because I’m really in a good place right now in terms of my ED, so it’s hard to imagine people perceiving things that way. Oh well. Sorry to be a downer. I do want people to do absolutely whatever they need to do in order to be safe and healthy. I’m not perfect in terms of not taking anything at all personally. I want to be a good influence. I want to be good to all my followers. But I also want to post about my life and stuff. I’m not my best always, especially after my nighttime meds.
Other people, please don’t use this as an opportunity to say what you think about my body, etc.
I lose an average of 2 followers per selfie and I’m not sure why but I’m gonna keep doing my selfie thing.
My coworker surprised me with my very favorite cupcake (oreo cream from Party Favors, in case yall want to deliver them to my door) today out of the blue. It made me feel so good that she remembered that it was my favorite and that she wanted to make me happy just because. She doesn’t know about my eating disorder and it reminded me that people use food as a way to care for each other and show that they are thinking of you. It was a good reminder.
Welcome to my millionth cupcake selfie. It’s super hot, I know.
I have organized all of my foot high stacks of randomly mixed paperwork into an elaborate filing system today and I still don’t feel comforted.
A one week challenge
B and I talked and I had an idea about making progress because I feel like I really just want to kick this eating disorder out of my life. I am going to try to go a week without doing any fat talk/weight talk/body talk. He’s involved because he’s the one who usually has to hear me vocalize what’s in my head. I have a hypothesis that not bringing these thoughts into the world might be helpful at this point because it just tends to escalate once I start saying it out loud. Maybe this will be a colossal failure and trying to keep them in my head is awful and will make everything worse, but it’s worth a shot. We are doing a one week trial of this and we are going to see how it goes. I assume that I won’t keep a strict rule like this forever, but maybe a break from it will help break the cycle. Anyway, I don’t know how it will go and I’m not suggesting everyone else tries this. I’ll let you all know how it’s going but I will not be fat talking/weight talking/or body talking this week on my blog either.
Today has been tough.
I did a lot of things that were important to do but potentially triggering. I had a few of my friends come over to see if they wanted some clothes that I was giving away since I’m cleaning out my room in order to move at the end of the month. Some of my older pre-relapse clothes were too big for one of them. It was tough.
I also had a rough conversation with a friend about her eating, nutrition, and being undernourished. That was tough too but it was important to do and I feel like I was able to do it and be okay today.
I feel good about these things, even though they were tough and it was a risk to go through with them.
When people talk about “Ana” for whatever reason my brain thinks “SITH LORD ANA” rather than like “~gOddEss ana~”
To the anon:
I am very sorry that you are dissatisfied with your body and that you wish it was like anyone else’s. That’s a tough way to feel. However, you need to find a way to express this that does not involve my body. That’s not fair to me. You need to take responsibility for how you express these dissatisfactions to the world. I am, however, feeling compassion for your struggle.
I realllllyyyy want a doughnut from ‘dunks but I don’t feel safe enough walking around in my neighborhood at night, especially on the weekends.
Lesson learned: tag anything with sex and a bunch of porn blogs will come along and randomly follow you. I guess it’s cool if y’all are looking to learn about recovery and occasionally sex-ed, since I’m a sexuality educator. But be prepared because I will talk about bloating (since it’s probably my no. 1 asked about topic).
If you’re looking for porn, though, you’re going to be disappointed here.
"For your recovery question, to be in a healthy relationship you have to establish and understand exactly what you're expecting from another person, and what they're going to expect from you. You have to understand that they are their own individual person, and you have to try to see everything from their point of view while still being your own person. And communication is the best thing to do to help any relationship. Good luck gorgeous!((:" With love, Anonymous.
Thank you for the message. It’s frustrating because I’m trained in relationship counseling and I can see every thing that I do that isn’t healthy. If he invites me to do something, even if it’s a maybe, I won’t make other plans. I need too much reassurance and I need to learn to self-soothe. I’m extremely good at seeing things from the other person’s point of view, so I often lose my own. Other people’s emotions feel more strongly to me than my own. I need boundaries. But I don’t want them. I have never really been single. I rely on other people too much to deal with my feelings and allow that to escalate to a complete crisis when it doesn’t have to be because they’re something to push against. I have a lot of learning to do and a lot of work to do. I’m not sure I can do that without being single.
Recovery means different things at different times.
Right now recovery means that I realize that I don’t know how to be a whole person without someone else and how to be in a relationship healthily.
How does everyone else even know how to not dissolve into this? This is the only way I ever remember being. How do I change?
I’m boarding to fly back to Boston in 15 mins. I’m not sure wether to call that home or this home. In any case, they don’t feed me on the plane so I have a big Jamba smoothie to keep me going. I love that BWI has yummy restaurants now and that they guarantee that the prices are the same as outside the airport. It makes me feel a lot more comfortable that I can get a lot of different foods and food groups so I’m not stuck with only fast food, although sometimes I would still choose that. I still think it’s super important to pack snacks though.
Isn’t it pretty disordered for us to care so much about how much everyone else is eating or is being forced to eat? I know the eating disorder cares deeply and it can be really easy to be pulled into when it becomes an intellectual debate. If someone else’s intake posts are going to make you upset and have you question whether you’re recovering “correctly,” then you may wish to reconsider the material you view online. I have mixed feelings about telling people to trust their medical professionals without question because I’ve received some appalling and harmful medical care for my eating disorder over the years, but at the same time no one’s blog should be telling you what to eat.
Making your own judgement calls based on scientific data is tricky for those without a high level of scientific literacy and eating disorders can convince us to hear what we want to hear. I feel like the medical system needs to overhaul the way they treat eating disorders and use a more evidence-based approach, but where does that leave everyone else in the meantime? Care can often be spotty. My ideal situation ended up being in a good relationship with a very competent nutritionist who was just as much of a skeptic and a scientist as I am. But that’s extremely hard to find (it took me four failed nutritionists) and doesn’t work for anyone.
I know that with recovery, people often feel like they have to throw themselves headlong into what they’re doing because questioning it would mean opening up a door for the ED thoughts to get in. It becomes deeply personal because criticizing someone on a personal level for what they’re doing can really shake the forward momentum that they’ve built up and question what they are forcing to be their core beliefs in order to get through the day.
These are just a few of my thoughts on everything.