Anatomy of Recovery


Pro-Recovery
I'm Jules, a 22 year old recent college graduate. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa when I was 14. I'm 100% committed to recovery because I know how amazing it can be. This blog is about my journey and any help and inspiration I can offer others on their own journeys.
I tag all my personal pics "julespic" so that you can block the tag if you find them triggering. I also tag all photos of food with the "food" tag in case they are triggering to you.

Ask Me Anything


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Theme by @yosoyprincesa.
"you have an amazing body image!" With love, Anonymous.

Haha, thank you!  I’m not entirely sure where you got this idea from.  I try to be as body positive as I can be and share my successes with you all.  Sometimes I like my body.  Oftentimes I don’t, but it could certainly be worse.  I think that objectively from the outside, it is often good.  But I get caught up in obsessions.  I am accepting the fact that there are certain things that I’ll probably never like about my body and I might just have to ignore them.

I’m glad that you think I have a positive body image and thank you for reminding me that I’ve definitely made progress in this regard.  I don’t want everyone to think that I have a great body image, especially all the time, because that’s not realistic for other people to want to emulate.

I wish that I was more of a body image and body positive role model than I feel like I am.

"do you recover with MinniMaud guidelines?" With love, Anonymous.

The answer is “kinda.”  I began recovery before MinniMaud was really an identified thing.  I’ve been doing the Maudsley Method (the Maud part of MinniMaud) since I was 14 and through high school.  When I went to college, I stopped following any sort of set plan and started intuitive eating.  I was glad to be rid of being forced by my parents to eat food on a set plan when I wasn’t hungry and I wasn’t having ED thoughts anymore, so I was really frustrated by it.  I was constantly being grounded for not finishing my food because it was just too much for my system to handle.

When I relapsed at age 21, I went back to following Maudsley for a while, with what is now known as the Minni part of the guidelines.  We had to fight with my nutritionist to up my calorie intake when she wanted to “not scare me” by giving me a meal plan that wasn’t even what my BMR would have been.  I left to go to treatment and when I came back, she felt panicked that I had gained so much weight and wanted to slow my gain down by giving me a plan under 2000 calories.  She wanted me to switch my snacks to “safe foods” (her words, not mine) like fruits and veggies.  I was furious.  I wasn’t even near the BMI that most treatment centers want you to get to, not to mention that many people have a higher set point and many people overshoot.  Restricting people early in recovery is ridiculous.  These were all things I had just learned by reading a lot of scientific papers over the years and are things that I’m glad that MinniMaud addresses.  She seemed to expect me to maintain at exactly the line between underweight and healthy, which set me up for failure.  If I ate enough to satisfy my hunger, I would gain past that point, and if I didn’t I would have to restrict forever, and I was currently experiencing extreme hunger.  I left her office suicidal and never went back.  I felt that there was no hope for me.

I found a new nutritionist who used a very evidence based approach.  We increased my calories to what is now the “MinniMaud” level and she trusted my body to deal with that, and helped me trust my body to do the same.  She thought that there should never be a circumstance where I should restrict my calories to stay at a weight below my set point.  We had struggles.  Having weekly weigh-ins where I knew my weight wasn’t something that I was willing to give up yet, so that held me back.

Fast forward to the present; I use the calorie guidelines as a rough approximation for my day.  I don’t count calories and haven’t in a long time, so I use a really rough approximation based on the number of meals and snacks and about how many exchanges are in each.  Some days I don’t think about it all.  I have finally accomplished the third main tenant of MinniMaud; not knowing my weight.  That’s my current struggle, to be honest.  I’m eating and that’s mostly okay, but not knowing my weight feels like it’s killing me.

So basically, I’ve been doing MinniMaud since before it was really a thing due to my scientific knowledge and the knowledge of those supporting me.  Now, I am using it as support for what I know and a reason to really really commit to not using a scale.

Talk to me.

Aw, people are reblogging this again :)  Lil young me.

Aw, people are reblogging this again :)  Lil young me.

(Source: anatomy-of-recovery)

I’m back home for a week and it’s going pretty well so far.  Today I made my family a beautiful breakfast for dinner; a summer frittata and oven french toast with strawberries.  My mom was even willing to eat the entire dinner as long as I didn’t salt it or put anything with salt in it.  My sister was willing to eat it as long as I didn’t use cream in the french toast.  Such is family.  Sigh.  My mom would NEVER have had this a few years ago.  Never.  So there are things to be thankful for, certainly.

My mom also got me this super super adorable cat necklace at Target.  It’s amazing how exciting Target becomes when you never get to go to it.

"how long are you in recovery?" With love, Anonymous.

That’s a question with many answers.  I first got anorexia when I was 13 (2003) and first entered recovery at age 14 (2004/2005).  I was then in recovery from 2004-2011, when I relapsed at 21.  I re-entered recovery sometime in 2012 and since then I’ve considered myself in recovery, although I’ve had a few major lapses along the way.  I’m 23 now.

"are you weight restored?" With love, Anonymous.

Long time followers of this blog will know that I really dislike getting this question and any other questions about my weight.  If you want to talk about my weight, come off anon and give me a good reason why it’s something you should know.  I usually just use these questions to talk about stuff I feel like talking about.

That being said, I couldn’t give an answer,even if I wanted to.  I got rid of my scales and I’m not being followed by a nutritionist or a doctor who specializes in eating disorders anymore.  Before I stopped going, they couldn’t give me a consensus about what a goal weight would even be for me.  My old nutritionist was very concrete and specific, whereas the most recent one was very wishy-washy and my doctor sort of shrugged and said that if I was eating enough she guessed that whatever my weight was would be fine.  It was all very stressful.  Now I mainly practice intuitive eating while making sure to get in a certain number of meals/snacks a day.  It’s certainly an adjustment to not know my weight or have someone guiding my weight when in the past I had such a specific number or range to focus on or achieve.

So, I don’t know my weight.  I don’t know if it’s “restored.”  I am not even sure what “restored” would mean for me anymore.  I can guess at about where I’m at, but that’s not information that I think would be helpful for folks and I’m not at all sure if it would even be accurate.

"I don't like the word sexy and I hate when people call me such. I personally feel degraded - as if as a woman I am merely a sex object. Now of COURSE people don't usually mean it that way. But I've had so many men mean it that way that it's repulsive to me. So my point is that we all see words differently and that doesn't make us insecure about who we are just because we don't like the words definition. :)" With love, Anonymous.

(2) and “sexy” or even “attractive” are things that are maybe even more important to keep to classified individuals. Not that you don’t want people to think you aren’t sexy but that it’s not the piece of you you want them to see…? Anyways, long story short, you’re normal for wanting to control others’ perceptions of you and I hope you come to peace with this discomfort in one way or another (and that nobody makes you feel uncomfortable if they have power to avoid it) ps you’re a lovely human<3

Thank you; I really appreciate the thought and care in your response.  I think you hit on a lot of things that resonate with me.

"It is time for you to learn to love yourself as much as you want to be loved by others." With love, Anonymous.

I’m not really sure where this message came from or how to take it, to be honest.

If only I could control when my body is perceived as sexy and when it wasn’t.  And save that for only safe spaces.

winter-glitter-red:

this is one of the best thing I have seen in my life.

winter-glitter-red:

this is one of the best thing I have seen in my life.

(Source: realignanxiety, via caffeinatedrecoveryblog)

Today marks exactly 40 days since I last knew my weight.  I just happened to decide to count this afternoon.

anatomy-of-recovery:

I’m thinking of posting a daily cute animal photo.

I think that would be a happy thing for me.

You guys game?

I will be starting the Nightly Cute Report tonight and running it for the next 30 days.  Prepare yourselves!

I’m thinking of posting a daily cute animal photo.

I think that would be a happy thing for me.

You guys game?

happinessrecaptured:

Look, Lil BUB is a Nerdfighter!

happinessrecaptured:

Look, Lil BUB is a Nerdfighter!