Anatomy of Recovery

I'm Jules, a 23 year old recent college graduate, currently working and applying for grad school. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa when I was 14. I'm 100% committed to recovery because I know how amazing it can be. This blog is about my journey and any help and inspiration I can offer others on their own journeys.
I tag all my personal pics "julespic" so that you can block the tag if you find them triggering. I also tag all photos of food with the "food" tag in case they are triggering to you.

Ask Me Anything

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Theme by @yosoyprincesa.
Has anyone had to explain a semester of bad grades or withdrawals from all classes, or a semester of leave on grad school applications?

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Tumblr recommends, like, literally the worst posts on my dash from blogs I don’t follow.  This morning it was a series of weight loss before and afters, and then this evening it was a picture that read “Health food won’t kill you but junk food will” with a person slitting their wrists with a banana.

Wtf tumblr?  If I hit the “omg no” and “pls no” buttons enough will you go away and send me kittens or something.

"Hey, I'm the anon with the hair loss problem - thank you so much for responding! I haven't had my hormone levels checked - I'll ask my doctor about it next time I see him. Seriously thank you so much! Jusy another question though - are there any particular foods you recommend to stimulate hair growth? Best wishes for your recovery - take care sweetie!" With love, Anonymous.

You’re welcome, hon!  I don’t really believe in the whole “foods do special things” business.  Foods are going to have a variety of things based on what nutrients are in them but there aren’t any magic foods related to hair.  Here is an article with some suggestions, but remember that the foods they mention are just mentioned because they contain particular nutrients, not because of anything inherent.  They mention Omega-3 fatty acids, protein since protein is the building block for hair, and a few other things  but people with eating disorders also need to think about fats in general since hair and hormones are related, and fat is the building block for these hormones.

Top 10 Foods for Healthy Hair

"Hey, I have a question. I never went to the doctor's to get diagnosed but I showed behaviours that could be linked to an EDNOS. I lost a significant amount of weight, so much that my period almost disappeared. I knew what I was doing, I only didn't want to stop. Because of the period scare, I started to eat a little more, even though it is very hard for me to see I'm gaining. I keep going anyway, I don't want to die. Is this considered recovery?" With love, Anonymous.

Diagnosis or none, the decision to change your life to get rid of harmful behaviors and thoughts is a way to recover your life.  I think it’s really amazing that you’ve made this choice even though it’s really hard.  I’d encourage you to reach out for support, because you shouldn’t have to struggle with this alone.  You don’t have to be forced into recovery in order to be in recovery.  You don’t have to hit rock bottom to be in recovery.  I would consider what you’re doing to be recovery, but what matters more is whether you identify with being in recovery.  Your happiness is what’s most important, not any label.  You’re working to get your life back and that’s brave.

Here, followers.  Have this blurry picture of me un-sexily biting my lip with a delicious ice cream sundae.

Here, followers.  Have this blurry picture of me un-sexily biting my lip with a delicious ice cream sundae.

(Source: soworthloving, via i-choose-recovery)

"You are so inspiring! Cupcakes, lipstick, and recovery for you!" With love, Anonymous.

Thanks hon.  I am feeling the opposite of inspiring tonight :/

"I have many questions... 1) Do you plan on having kids sometime in the future? 2) What's your favorite comfort food (besides cupcakes) 3) What's your favorite kind of music? What are your favorite bands/artists? 4) Can you list some of your favorite movies? 5) Are you the kind of person that cries easily? For some reason I can't help imagining you'd be too tough for that! Not that there's anything wrong with it..." With love, Anonymous.

Goodness, many questions!!

1) I am not sure about the whole kids thing, to be honest.  I’m neither one of those people who has always been certain that they will never want kids, nor one of those people who will feel incomplete without them.  I imagine wanting them sometime in the future.

2) Cupcakes aren’t so much of a comfort food for me— they’re more of a special treat!  My top comfort foods are probably soon doo boo (korean soft tofu stew), good toast with european style butter, oatmeal only the way my mom cooks it, and pasta of really any sort (plain with salt, tomato sauce, zaru soba, udon soup).

3) I’m mostly into indie rock, alternative, folk, punk, etc.  So basically a bunch of different things.  A few things that I’m really into right now are Neutral Milk Hotel (a favorite for 10 years), Arctic Monkeys, Alt-j, Walk the Moon, Portugal. the Man, and Metric.

4) Ummmm…. Idk!  I only really ever watch new movies when I’m with people.  I saw Boyhood this year and really loved it.  I also watched Say Anything and was surprisingly enchanted.

5) SO WRONG!!!  I cry all the time.  All the time.  It’s mortifying, lol.  I cried on my way home from a job interview during my senior year of college on the train and had to blow my nose on like 5 sheets of lined paper because I ran out of tissues and just couldn’t stop crying.  A man tried to give me the number of a suicide hotline as I got off!!!  I think the longest I’ve gone without crying is like 7 days.  I cried earlier today.  I’ll probably cry tomorrow.  One of my greatest wishes is a medication that would make it impossible for me to produce tears.  I even cry when I’m really mad!!  The rest of me is a tough cookie, but my eyes do NOT cooperate, no matter what I do.

(Source: hawhat, via raspberryfairy)

I keep having the thought of like, “Do I really need this food?  Couldn’t I just not have it and that would be fine, because I’m more comfortable with the idea of denying myself something?  Not every single other person on earth would choose to have this food at this time, so I shouldn’t have it either.” but like… an eating disorder literally a DEADLY ILLNESS.  

Every time I’m presented with this dilemma, I need to remind myself that every time I choose not to eat because it would feel comfortable and safe, I am actually choosing death.  Every single choice, every single time.  When it’s like, have some cookies or death, the choice seems a bit easier for me to make.  Just some thoughts…

Ootd: Betsey Johnson princess dress from the thrift store, extreme body dissatisfaction, and a bit of this morning’s coffee.

I had a free birthday drink on my Starbucks card, so naturally I got the biggest one possible since it was free.  I’m really exhausted with the hours I’ve been working.  I just want a day to curl up in bed.  I have been having a lot of food, hunger, and body anxiety, although I haven’t been acting on it.  It sucks to have that in my day.

I had a free birthday drink on my Starbucks card, so naturally I got the biggest one possible since it was free. I’m really exhausted with the hours I’ve been working. I just want a day to curl up in bed. I have been having a lot of food, hunger, and body anxiety, although I haven’t been acting on it. It sucks to have that in my day.

"Hi! So I wanted to do something new to my hair and I've been thinking about cutting it really short (like pixie cut) but I keep having thoughts of "you gained weight, it won't look good on you" and things like that. What do you think I should do?" With love, Anonymous.

I feel like folks should do what feels right to them. If a pixie cut is calling your name, go for it! I am particularly partial to pixie cuts and tend to notice when folks have them, and I think they look good on people of any weight. Any major haircut can feel like a huge change to the person who gets it, even if it doesn’t seem like a big deal to the people who know you. If you think that getting the haircut and having the potential of not liking it, or having the haircut and thinking it would look better if you weighed less, would trigger a lot of eating disorder thoughts then you may want to put it off. Personally, I like to get a hair cut when I restore weight. I feel like it feels like a fresh start and I also secretly think that the different hair distracts people from the different body, giving me more time to adjust. Everyone is different so think about what would be best for you. From an outside perspective, there is no reason why a pixie cut would look any less good now than it would have before. It will probably look better now that your hair is most likely healthier!

Simple vanilla cupcake selfie today. I brought in a dozen cupcakes for my coworkers yesterday since we were short staffed and running a special event.

How to tell my housemate who is going no-carb that I do not want his hand-me-down diet wraps that he can no longer eat?  He seems so psyched to give them to me, lol.